The Desires of the Heart

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

It was February 2011 and I was a mess.  And I mean a mess. 

I wanted to get married.  I wanted that best friend and partner to walk with me through life.  That was all I wanted.  I kept thinking I might have found it, but those were all lies and mirages.  The guys I met were wimpy, shallow, weak and did not love Jesus the way I was hoping they would.  They didn't even think about their faith or put Him first.  Or the opposite happened - they maybe had their faith, but I had no feelings for them.

At church one Sunday in February, I sat by Terriann and Alyssa and I think I cried through the whole service.  I felt so lonely.  I was wondering why.  Why was I still alone? Why hadn't I found anyone? Why was I in this place? And why did it always seem that no guy ever loved Jesus? My heart cried out to God throughout worship in a way it hadn't done in quite awhile. 

Clearly getting married was a desire God had put in my heart, but I did not want a "typical" guy.  I didn't exactly know what I wanted, but I knew I sure hadn't found it.  On top of that, I was told that Jesus was supposed to be my husband.  I'm sad to say that at that time, the thought of me not getting married and having Jesus only depressed me beyond words.  But that was how I felt at that time.  The thought was almost too unbearable to me.  The scripture, "For your Maker is your Husband—the Lord of hosts is His name—and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called." ~Isaiah 54:5 also came to me...and ironically, I was happy about it but at the same time, rather sad.

A few nights later, I was at home, still having a hard time, crying on my couch.  To my mind came the scripture, "I love You fervently and devotedly, O Lord, my Strength...."  I knew it was in Psalms, but I could not remeber where in Psalms.  I wanted to pray that out loud to God, because it was where my heart was at.  So I asked the Holy Spirit.  I heard Psalm 37 on my heart.  So I went to Psalm 37.  It was not the scripture I thought it was. 

"Trust in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him and He will bring it to pass.  And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.  Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass." ~Psalm 37:3-7

I cried even harder.  That scripture then began to continually come back to me over the next two years.  I thought I knew what it meant.  "Delight yourself in God and He'll give you everything you want!"  Um.....no.  Not what it means.  This year in Canada I finally realized the TRUE meaning of this scripture.

It means that if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the TRUE desires of your heart...the desires that match up with His desires for you. He will show you things that you don't even realize you desire.  He will break your heart for what breaks His.  He took things that I had wanted for so long and he shifted them 180 degrees.  I realized that everything I had thought I wanted wasn't anything at all like what I really truly desired once I was completely content and delighted in the Lord as my love and companion.  After stumbling upon that scripture, Jesus began to really work on me falling in love with Him over the last two and a half years.  I'm happy to say I have fallen in love with Him and that I came to a place where I finally became ok with whatever outcome He desired for me - marriage or not.  I am totally surrendered to His will for my life.  

I had a ring with Psalm 37:4 on it. I gave it away in Canada this year.  When I got back, the Holy Spirit showed me that was the moment He changed me.  I had delighted myself in Him, and He in me.  What else could I possibly want?  

And the scripture I had wanted to find??  It was in Psalm 18.  The Holy Spirit knew what I needed to hear.  He was right.

In Christ,

Meg

 

Kids.....

So I think I understand why Jesus loved kids.

Kids are just plain and simply beautiful.  Yes, I know. They have their moments when they are NOT beautiful.  They get crabby.  They are not always nice, nor do they always behave perfectly.  Well who does?  But if you cut down to the core of it and look past all of that stuff, they are just beautiful and, in my opinion, they act how a lot of adults should act more often. 

If only I could tell you all the stories of how they have brought so much joy and laughter into my life.  I love my job for that reason, plus I get to help them with things they struggle with - and I love to help people.  When I first felt called to go into speech language pathology, I decided I was going to work with adults with brain injuries like my dad.  God had different ideas.

I had two practicum placements in schools and I fell in love with working with kids.  I also found out I was quite gifted with them...I had no idea.  They were so full of life and energy and had so much ahead of them...it just fit me perfectly.  So God changed my plan, and I am really grateful He did!!

I have these two little boys that I see who are in first grade and let me tell you, they are the joy of my life.  I think I love them as much as if they were my own kids.  They have the best senses of humor, and are just so sweet and funny....I think they could probably get away with just about anything and I wouldn't care.  The other day, I had a sensory turkey (this giant turkey I had made on construction paper with different "feathers" that had items glued on. We were working on describing what they felt and saw).  One of the items was googly eyes.  The one little boy said, "Eeeeeeew!! Mr. Eyeballs!" I cracked up.  My other favorite was another time when we were playing vocab bingo and were going through all of the items on the sheet to make sure they knew what they all were.  When I got to "jeans" and asked, "What are these?" the other little boy said, "Skinny jeans!!"  Again, I cracked up.  There are at least 100 other stories like that. 

Plus, all the hugs.  I get hugs from kids I don't even know!  At the beginning of this year, on our home/child School Day, I was helping with the interpreter portion of the night, and when I went out to get the Somali kids in from outside, this one little girl who I didn't even know was smiling at me, staring at me as she was walking towards the door.  She got up to me and threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug.  My heart melted.  It reminds me of Canada sometimes. 

So anyway, kids are awesome.  They may test my patience at times, but I for one second don't regret what I do and I love what God has called me to do.  He is by far wiser than we are. :)

In Christ,

Meg 

CANADA.....my heart is there....

This is killing me.  Inside, that is.  My heart longs for a place I go only once a year for 10 days....Sandy Bay.

It was interesting how this all came about in the first place.  Fall 2009 I felt like God was calling me to go on a mission trip.  To me, this was out of left field.  But at the same time, I don't think I should say that, because if I look back on things and how I am as a person, it makes sense.  Now, looking back on it, it was there all along...  So, I felt this calling but had no idea where, or how or anything.  Thanksgiving weekend I was at church, and was flipping through what all was going on in Hosanna!, and I saw they were having a meeting in January about going to Canada to teach Vacation Bible School.  This was one of those "God things" that people always talk about.  I thought to myself, Oh what's this? I'll check this out.  Little did I know that this would be one of the biggest God-altering moves of my life.

I went to the meeting in January, and for whatever reason, decided to go.  I literally had no idea why or what I was getting myself into.  About a month after I decided to go, the spiritual warfare began big time.  It was mostly physical stuff, just getting sick, not feeling well and then the icing on the cake was in May when I got this mysterious illness I had no idea what it was, and neither did my doctor.  I kept getting headaches, and I NEVER get headaches.  Ever.  Eventually they determined what I had was the shingles.  Yeah, no joke.  On my head, no less!  Diane Grobe (who went to Canada with us that year) said I had some major divine protection because having the shingles on your head can kill you...and especially with them not knowing for weeks what it was...

After that happened, and I was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of stress I was under, I said to my mom, "Maybe I shouldn't go..."  She looked at me and said, "No. You HAVE to go. All those people are counting on you!!"  I also had the feeling that this was somewhat a ploy from the enemy to get me to try to back out.  So I decided that I needed to go. 

I was nervous on the drive up, and was under some spiritual attacks, but I was with a group of such strong believers that there was lots of prayer and I could feel God beginning to change me already....especially the second night when we were in Flin Flon, staying at the Prospector Inn.  The second night we are in Canada, we have team time where we worship and pray.  We were having prayer time in one of the hotel rooms and I knew Randy was supposed to pray for me.  So I went to him for prayer and the next thing I knew, I was waking up on the floor, covered by a blanket.  The Holy Spirit had taken me down in a pretty powerful way, and that was the beginning of the change inside of me...the REAL, HUGE change.

Sunday we headed to Pelican Narrows for church before the Sandy Bay team split off to head to Sandy...(it's another hour from Pelican).  On the car ride I was filled with nervous excitement and anticipation.  I really wasn't sure what to expect...but I will never, ever forget what I felt when I got there...

I got out of the car, and my heart instantly melted and broke at the same time, and I fell in love with the beautiful people of God I saw before me.  I also felt like I had come home.....to a place I had never been or heard of.  Every time I go back I say to myself, "I'm home." 

This summer in Sandy was the best summer I had ever had there.  I think it was because I had stopped hiding and stopped worrying about how inadequate I am and all the things I lack and am unable to do and I just let Jesus work through me.  I quit focusing on my insecurities and focused on Christ.  I just showed up and let Him use me how He saw fit.  And that's really what He wants from us.  Not perfection, not having it all together...but just a willing heart. (The fact that I am writing this right now is giving me some revelation to other areas of my life...)

So essentially, what I am saying is that half the time my mind is up in Sandy Bay, and pretty sure my heart is there more than that.  I wish there was a way for me to just get there quicker...actually I would move there if God told me to.  The people there have become more than just people...they have become dear friends and family in Christ.  Sometimes it's hard to be one place and wish you were in another.....

In Christ,

Meg

 

Whom Shall I Fear?

"Fear not" is the most used command in the Bible.  So there is clearly a reason for that.  However, fear was something I struggled with for a long time.  Realistically, I still do at times - although definitely not as often or even as intense as it has been.  Jesus pretty much took care of that chain for me.  Yet there was a time in my life fear nearly paralyzed me. 

My dad was in a train accident when I was 13, and he almost died.  That event caused me a lot of problems, and one of those problems it created was fear. 

The list of the fears I had were long.  When I say long, I mean long.  This was more than just a "I'm scared of spiders" fear or "I can't stand heights!!", it was deep and intense, and quite irrational.  This would range from things like, "I'm afraid of failing my classes" to "I'm afraid to drive in bad weather because I might die".  Could I have failed my classes? I guess.  Could I drive in bad weather and die?  Yes.  However, the reaction these (and my many other fears) created were paralyzing and crippling.  That, my friends, is what fear does.  It robs us of what we have right now, where we are right now.  It takes away the beauty and gift of the moment.  It causes us to act in ways that are not "normal" or good. 

I had a tendency to "freak out" about certain things.  I would white-knuckle it in the car if I was driving or if I was with someone and I was scared about the weather conditions.  I also had a major fear of losing people.  Because of this fear, I didn't want people to get too close to me but yet at the same time I also craved that closeness.  It was brutal.  I didn't know what to do. 

January 2006 I ended up starting counseling to help me deal with the myriad of issues that had appeared due to my dad's accident.  That was also when I started to get closer to God.  I had believed in Jesus my whole life, but my relationship with Him was shallow at best.  My relationship with the Father was also shallow.  I am one of those odd cases who had a great relationship with the Holy Spirit.  Thinking about it now it's so weird to me that I did because the Holy Spirit is so unpredictable, and I needed to have order and control in my life or else the fear got really intense.  Whatever it was about Him did not scare me though, and it was because God knew this that He used Him to draw me closer to Himself.  The other thing that is funny about this is the fact that I don't think I was even fully aware of this.  I mean, I had always sensed this good "presence" around me - which was definitely the Holy Spirit - but it wasn't until God let me to start watching Joyce Meyer that I began to learn more about the Holy Spirit and Who He was. 

In January 2008 I recommitted my life to Christ - telling Him that my life was His and He could do with me what He wanted.  What was the first thing He wanted me to do?  Let go of my number one fear: the fear of not having control.  In my own mind I was thinking : Anything but THAT, Lord!! Please?!  But God showed me that if I let go of the control, He would be there to catch me.  At first, it was horrible. And terrifying.  I felt like I was in a hurricane all the time.  As if I really had any control in the first place?  Despite this, I (quite reluctantly) gradually let go of the control.  And God prooved to be Who His Word said He was.  He was faithful, and He always caught me. 

Through this whole process He also began to strengthen me in Christ.  Prior to this I was so weak. He had been slowly renewing my mind and showing me who I was in Christ over the last two years through His Word, but once I began to let go of controlling everything, the work really began.  I finally ended an almost 5 year relationship that had not been the best - a fault of both parties involved.  Jesus then had me all to Himself and He kept changing me over the last 4 and a half years. (More about those things another time... :o) ). 

Fear is really just what it is: False Evidence Appearing Real (quote from Joyce Meyer).  Yes, some of the things we are afraid of and worry about could happen, but in all honesty, most of the things that concern us never do come to pass.  "And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure to his life?" Matthew 6:27.  This is true.  Fear not, friends. God is bigger than any problem we could ever have.  He won't let you down. Even if it seems like what is happening is the worst possible thing in the world, He is faithful and true and will not let you down. 

"For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome." ~Jeremiah 29:11

In Christ,

Meg

God's Faithfulness

I had a bad day.  Ok, it was more than one bad day, it was a FEW bad days.  My Lasik surgery on Wednesday had gone very well, but there had only been one little minor setback - when they cut the cornea on my left eye, I had gotten "corneal abrasion", which basically meant that some of the cells of the cornea didn't cut as cleanly so therefore while it was healing my vision in my left eye was a bit blury. Also because of this I had to get up every hour and put drops in my left eye to keep the inflammation down.  And by every hour I meant every hour including ALL. NIGHT. LONG.  That meant that I hadn't slept through the night since Tuesday, and it was Saturday and I was exhausted.

The lack of sleep was beginning to take its toll.  I was emotional, then I was emotion-less. I was grouchy. Oh my goodness was I grouchy.  I was a major space cadet as well.  Plus there was a good friend I wanted to talk to, but just couldn't because I was hurt by something that had happened.  Satan especially likes to mess with me when I'm tired, and that is exactly what he did...and had been doing since Wednesday.  I am talking major, oppressive spiritual warfare here.  I had three melt-downs on Wednesday...something that hasn't happened to me in a L O N G time...

Because I was so tired, I accepted anything he threw my way...not having the will or energy to fight back.  I'm pretty sure that for close to four days, satan just had a couple of oppressive little demons hanging around me, stealing my joy and peace and weighing me down.  I felt I was sinking down into this pit and it kept getting worse and worse...and I also had the worst time eating.  (Which, if you know me, you know is never a problem!!)  I needed Jesus but didn't know how to talk to Him at that moment. 

I went to French Meadow after my eye appointment on Saturday and I hated every single second I was there.  In all the years I have been going to French Meadow I have never EVER hated being there.  Usually I love the atmosphere, the people watching, the noise, the crowd...but not today.  I wanted to leave.  So as soon as the coffee was gone, I was too.  Going to Whole Foods wasn't any better. I swear, if you had seen me...wow.  I was one major space cadet.  I stood in the produce section, staring at the limes for about 5 minutes, trying to put a coherent thought together as to what I needed to buy for the week.  Finally, I gave up and conceeded to the fact that I would just get food in Owatonna if I needed to.  Blah - I hate shopping at the grocery stores down here! 

After going to the gym and finally coming home, I turned on some Hillsong, and feeling totally numb wrapped up in blankets and lay down on the couch.  I had no tears.  I was not angry.  I was empty. And tired.  Bascially every way that I was acting was completely contrary to me and who Christ had made me into these last few years. The happy, bouncy, joyful, easy-going yet intense me was nowhere to be found. 

I put drops in my eyes around 10 and had my alarm set for every hour starting at 11:30 (per usual), and then proceeded to fall asleep...for 2 and a half hours!!!  Or anyway I'm sure I did...I don't remember my alarm going off at 11:30 nor do I remember putting drops in...and after I woke up at 12:30 for the drops the same thing happened again...the next thing I knew it was 2:30 and I didn't remember waking up at 1:30...and I also couldn't find my bottle of drops...then I found it, I had fallen asleep with it in my hand at 12:30 when I woke up....oh such is my life...typical when I don't get "normal" sleep...ha.

Then came today...and that same, oppressive spirit was holding on.  Plus, it physically was making me feel icky.  Fortunately, I had three prayer warriors praying for me and around 4:30 this afternoon, as I was e-mailing and saying, "You should have seen me in the grocery store yesterday...I probably looked high..." I re-read what I wrote and lost it.  Like, full-out belly laugh for 15 minutes.  My stomach hurt and I was practically in tears I was laughing so hard.  I know that really isn't all that funny, but for some reason, it just hit me the right way, and I cracked up.  The first time I had laughed in days.  And that broke it. Then I started making other jokes, and a song came on my I-pod that made me want to groove and at long last, 5 crappy days of warfare were over.  Praise Jesus!!! 

So yes, the Lord is faithful...even when we feel we can't see it. Even when things seem hopeless.  He is there for us.  He won't let us down.  He's the only one Who will always come through.  Trust in Him and His promises.

"...be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down ( relax My hold on you)! [ Assuredly not!]" ~Hebrews 13:5

"Yet the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen [you] and set you on a firm foundation and guard you from the evil [one]." ~II Thessalonians 3:3

In Christ,

Meg

 

 

Random Writing on a Friday...

Summer...hot sun....white sundress...bare feet....lake....watermelon...black-eyed susans...sweating in the heat....laying on a blanket with iced tea....eating blueberry pie...digging in the dirt...riding my bike...lightning bugs...grass between my toes...iced coffee...laundry on the clothesline...burgers on the grill...sunsets...crickets...thunderstorms...wildflowers...fresh vegetables...farmer's market...CANADA...running in the rain.....

Snow...snowshoeing...trees covered with snow. Christmas lights and hot coffee...dipping cookies in the hot coffee.  Red, green, glitter.  The quiet stillness of a snowstorm. Hunkering down under a blanket with some chai and a warm sweater.  Pinecones. The sun setting on a strikingly cold day...my birthday...catching snowflakes with your tongue...fires in the fireplace...ice skating...sledding...snowmen and snowball fights...HOCKEY...I love winter...

Fall...leaves...hot cider...flannel shirts...vests. Warm boots and hats and mittens. Jumping in a pile of leaves. Staring at the colors for hours on end and never getting sick of it. Acorns...pumpkins...squash....cold rain and the smell of the leaves in the cold rain...bright sun on cold days...fires in the fireplace....my favorite time to hike...knowing winter is on its way...

Spring. New life. Flowers daring to poke their heads out of the ground. The excitement to see things growing after a long sleep. Daffodils in an old jar on a window sill. Mud. Tree buds. Easter. Easter eggs. 40 degrees and we can wear shorts!! Joy.

I want to go visit the Northeast part of this country...in all four seasons....I want to buy some old VW van that's green and drive it all over up there, and go to all the places I've never been before...New York is debatable, but I would still maybe go there just because I've never been...simplicity is great though...

I need to take more pictures of everyday life.  Because everyday life is beautiful.  And, ladies and gentlemen...this is what happens when my brain is just one big bag of random weirdness and I just write.....but this is just where I'm at today. Feet 100 miles off the ground and feeling wanderlust...

In Christ,

Meg

God's love and grace...

There it was...again.  For the one millionth time.  That same, horrible, sinking, makeyouwanttothrowup feeling that overwhelmed me.  I had failed...again.  And then again, came those words, You are such a terrible person. Who could ever stand to be around you? You are such a screw up all the time. You don't deserve anything good at all...  However, this time when I heard those words was different than when I had heard them in the past.  This was because the truth of God's Word had penetrated down to the dry places of my soul and spirit and refreshed me...and because God had been using the Holy Spirit to teach and train me in the art of spiritual warfare...so I knew what to do.

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" I retorted. (Romans 8:1) You still aren't good enough.  "I don't have to be, because 'greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world'!" I snapped back. (1 John 4:4) You aren't strong enough, you can't do this came the next grand lie.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," I answered. (Philippians 4:13)  And the lies stopped. As well as the feeling.  Jesus and the Holy Spirit had "restored me to the joy of their salvation and upheld me with a willing spirit". (Psalm 51:12).  Will I trip and fall again? Yes. Will the enemy try to make me feel lousy again? Yes. But I do know the One Who is greater than all of this...and He knows You.

"For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, I would still be with You." ~Psalm 139:13-18

Think about that...the One Who created the world also created you and knows you intimately...and even though you may mess up, He still loves you and has insurmountable grace for you. 

"For it is by free grace that you are saved through faith. And this is not of yourselves, but it is the gift of God; Not because of works, lest any man should boast." ~Ephesians 2:8-9

He has saved me, heals and restores me daily...He can do the same for you.

In Christ,

Meg

Coffee With Jesus...

What do you do when you can't focus on your final synthesis for finishing your Autism Certificate and would rather be doing anything else?  Write.  Or anyway, that's what I do. 

About four and a half years ago I found myself in a place I really didn't want to find myself.  Alone.  Alone in many different ways.  Even though I had just moved back to my hometown and was now geographically living closer to my family than I had since High School, I still felt out of place.  I had been gone almost 10 years from this town, and had different experiences, was a different person and wasn't sure how to fit in.  I had ended a long relationship, so there was another aspect of loneliness.  Once I started work, I also felt alone as my work environment was very challenging.  All of who I considered my friends were either in the cities or far away.  I HATED it.  I was miserable.  I am such a people person and love spending time with people that it was killing me.  I began to question why God allowed me to move back here and if I had even made the right choice, I was probably even slightly angry with my situation...sad to admit it.  I may have even blamed God a bit for where I found myself...as if I hadn't gotten myself into this situation of loneliness enough on my own.   

Being a follower of Jesus Christ, you would think I wouldn't have felt alone, as Jesus is always by our side, but at this point, I was "running away".  Jesus had healed me from many of the issues I had from my dad's train accident, but there was a whole different set of baggage I was carrying.  Baggage I wasn't ready to let go of.  Fortunately for us, God is very patient with us.  He thus began a season of teaching me about being alone, and teaching me to lean on and rely on Him. 

That first year I was back in Owatonna, I was literally just almost at rock bottom. I was stubborn, rebellious, did not want to submit to authority, wanted to do what I wanted to do and didn't want anyone to tell me otherwise, had a bad attitude and just overall generally was not on the right road.  But again, God always has His plans which are way better than ours.

Memorial day weekend 2009 my friend Sarah invited me to this church called Hosanna!. That was the moment God rocked my world. One of the songs sang during worship was "Revelation Song", and I was a complete water works by the time the song was over and I knew all my fighting was over as well. I had to surrender, and I did. That summer began a major transformation in my heart. I attended many of the classes Hosanna! offered, and began to see the Holy Spirit work in big ways in my life. He put this fire in me to read scripture as I hadn't before - I literally thirsted for it. By the time that fall came, I was feeling called to go on a Mission trip - and I had no idea why. But those are all stories for another time.....

Despite all of the work God was starting to do in me, He was still allowing me to feel this deep sense of loneliness.  I felt I had no friends in Owatonna, and through this He showed me that He was allowing me to feel this way so I could learn to develop time with Him and a deep, intimate relationship with Christ.  From the time I moved home through my first two years back here, anytime I would get some friends, the Lord would allow something to happen that would separate that friendship.  It wasn't because He was punishing me, or because He didn't want me to have friends, it was because I would cling to those friendships and focus on that fulfilling me rather than clinging to Him and letting Him fulfill me.  He needed to teach me to cling to HIM.  He also allowed circumstances to occur that separated me from many of my friends in the cities for the same reasons.  He also later showed me another reason He allowed this season in my life was so that I could understand how many people in this world feel...so utterly alone...and have compassion for them.

Spring 2010 is when it began...If you know me, you know how much I love coffee. Meet me and typically within an hour you will probably find out that I love it...it's really not much of a secret or mystery.  I thus was led to some of these "quiet moments", these deep conversations with Jesus...over coffee.  I began to sneak off to Starbucks, or French Meadow and their hippie/down to earth atmosphere - and drink coffee and journal and spend time in scripture.  It was over these times of coffee spent with Jesus that He continued to work on transforming me.  And I got to know Him very well. 

An interesting thing happened...once these coffee with Jesus dates started to happen, I began to feel not so alone.  I began to be content with where I was and what I had.  Not that I still didn't have my ups and downs with all of it, but gradually over the last two years I have felt less and less alone...more content with being alone. 

Then another interesting thing happened...God began to restore friends to me.  Summer 2010 I went to Canada for the first time and God gave me amazing friends...who were actually more like family - through that experience.  Then, God opened doors for me to have friends here...and these friends have prooved to be fun, funny, kind, loving, Christ-centered people.  I have been blessed. 

I still have my coffee with Jesus dates as often as I can.  It's a very special time to me.  I can promise you that if you are feeling alone, He knows.  He wants to fill that loneliness.  He is the only thing that can.  Once you are content in Christ, not much else matters.  Not the number of friends you have, the family who is around or not, not a significant other...nothing.  So while life may have its ups and downs, I know Who I have...and Who will never leave me.  And that He is always there, waiting for me...cup of coffee or not.

In Christ,

Meg

       

The Heart of the Matter...

I am going to be totally honest.  My heart is somewhere else.  Physically still inside me...but somewhere else feeling wise.  A huge piece of it is in Canada...a piece of it that I will never, ever get back, and quite honestly am totally ok with missing.  Another piece of it is somewhere I have never been before.  But will hopefully be going by the grace of God. 

You see, Jesus wrecked me this year in Canada.  And I want the whole wide world to know it.  Because it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Things that used to seem so darn important to me are slowly losing their appeal.  They lack the luster they used to possess.  I'm more than ok with that.  Because I don't want ordinary. I want extraordinary.  (God showed me awhile ago that He has called me to live this kind of life).  I don't want safe.  I want to be scared - in a good way - trusting God for everything. I don't want comfortable, because comfortable is far too easy, and life is way too short for that.  I also don't want easy, because if things are easy then that means Jesus doesn't have to show up, and I want for nothing more than Him to show up all the time in everything I do.  I have no strength but in Him alone.  He gets all the glory in everything.  Plus, He knows I like challenges...He is giving me a pretty big one right now.  Any changes will require me to completely lean on Him all the way...  it will be the only way anything can happen because I can't do it in my own strength.

The coming year will be quite the adventure - I can already tell that.  I'm looking forward to it - seeing where the Lord leads me.  I know that the He will go before me, walk beside me and come up behind me.  That in and of itself gives me more peace than you can imagine.  Yes, I am scared, but come what may, I will "do it afraid".  Because that's the only way to live.

Yes, I changed the title of my blog as well as the picture.  Because this scripture is more true than I can describe.  My treasures are not things, but the amazing, beautiful people God has placed before me.  They are gifts.  I pray that I will not take them for granted!!

"But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.  Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:31-34 

In Christ,

Meg                                       

Bad Blogger = Me

Oy.  It has been CRAZY since I wrote back in...January?!  Really?  That long!?  Oh my.  Sorry for my L O N G absence.  I promise I will try to be better. 
So first things first: I need to write about two food adventures.  First off is the scone...
It all began...a year ago?  This fall?  I can't even remember.  But I was at French Meadow Bakery (go figure...), and I saw it.  The scone.  Or, as I affectionately refer to it as, "The Happy Scone".  It's real name is the Chocolate Ginger Spelt Scone.  I think I began drooling on the spot because: 1. I love chocolate. 2. I love ginger. and 3. I love, love LOVE spelt flour.  There are several things in the world of cooking/baking that I am very fond of, and let me tell you, spelt flour is one of them.  Why?  No clue.  I just love it.  So I bought the scone.  And had it for breakfast the next morning, and that is when the obsession began.  I loved every single thing about that scone.  From that point on, every time I went to French Meadow would result in me first marching up to the bakery case, and if I spied the scone, that was the first thing I ordered - to go, of course - to feast on the next morning.

The original scone from French Meadow

Eventually, it got so bad, that I searched out a recipe for the scone online, and lo and behold, I found one.  I excitedly printed it off....and forgot about it.  About three months later, after a string of going to French Meadow and not finding my beloved scone, I broke down and yanked the recipe out.  The result was a recreation of the one and only scone that I love...  Honestly, I almost feel as though these scones turned out better than the ones at French Meadow did.  (But don't tell them that...)  And yes, I realize you are all going to think I'm crazy, but that's ok.  I am a little crazy, but it helps keep me sane.  :-)

The next adventure happened today.  About a year ago at my friend Nancy's bachelorette party, I had a pizza with fennel on it.  I had never cooked with fennel before, and actually had it for the first time in 2010 in Virginia.  I had always heard about it, but wasn't sure about it, and after I tried it I eventually knew I would cook with it.  After that pizza at the bachelorette party, I secretly became obsessed with recreating a pizza with fennel on it.  Once winter came, I sort-of forgot about it, until about three weeks ago, and was hit with an inspiration...ham + fennel + goat cheese (since I can't have cow's milk cheese).  So tonight I made the pizza...wow.  I mean, W.O.W.  It was awesome.  I would highly recommend it.  :-)

                                 Cutting up the fennel                             Sauteeing the fennel

                                                The ham                                     Goat's cheeeeeeese

                                                Pizza dough                               Before going in the oven

The finished product

So, I also realized that photography definitely is my passion.  I have been taking pictures since I was in 4th grade, and even then I was always looking for the artistic shot.  Apparently I have been destined to be a phogographer my whole life. :-)

In Christ,

Meg

High-Maintenance Food Snob

Ok, if the title of this entry doesn't scare you, I don't know WHAT will.  The words "high-maintenance" in and of themselves are scary, but adding the word SNOB to it...that's just downright terrifying!!  But alas - I must be honest...I am exactly what the title of this blog entry is...a "High-Maintenance Food Snob". 

Now, this does not mean I am high-maintenance with anything else.  Yes, there are certiain things I NEED in a day - for example, lots of water and exercise is also highly important for me (or else I get very crabby very fast) but as a general rule, I am not high maintenance.  I'm usually the opposite, actually.  Except when it comes to food.  There, I reach a whole different level that a lot of people never experience...I am by far QUITE high maintenance in regards to food. 

I also am not a snob about much else (well, maybe that's not totally true, I tend to like high-quality things...), but as a general rule, I don't tend to think of myself as a snob.  I have never once in my almost 31 years of life on this earth been called a snob by anyone - at least not that I know of...  But yes, a food snob I am.  So, in reality, this term for myself is sort-of an oxymoron...I am, yet I am not...

Let's get another thing straight...as I am sure you have been able to gather by reading what I have written thus far (all about food) that I am not opposed to food at all.  Quite the contrary.  I LOVE food.  I love to cook new things, try new flavors, bake new and exciting things...and quite honestly to EAT (hence the reason I exercise!)...but the high-maintenance food snob part comes in when we begin to discuss QUALITY.  I am all about good quality, good for you food.  I love organic.  I love whole foods as much as possible.  And I love anything that is "weird" and "left of center"...anything that most of the general public may not know much about.  This is one of my deepest passions. 

One of the coolest things has been how many people I have discovered share the SAME passion as me.  I have several good friends that are very much into organic, whole foods and are also "food snobs".  I find it amazing how God had a way of bringing these awesome, fun, wonderful people into my life.

Not saying that I never indulge or eat crap.  Trust me - if you know me well enough, you know I do eat plenty of "crap".  After I ran a 9.3 mile race in Milwaukee this fall, I decided I got to eat anything I wanted the rest of the day.  And let me tell you, I did.  A gigantic sandwich, a honey latte from Alterra (love, love LOVE), massive amounts of sushi, and pizza at 1:30am.  All of which I loved every bite of. 

Ever since discovering my dairy sensitivity, I have become a bit more laid back in regards to resturants, because I know to avoid most dairy now - and that has made my stomach feel a lot better - before this knowledge, I would avoid certain things thinking they were the problem, and eat only other certain things and the things that I chose to eat were actually the ones that were giving me problems.

I must admit that I have turned my nose up at many a dish, many a resturant, and many a package of food in the store due to my food snobbiness (dairy sensitivity excluded).  However, I have come to embrace it.  I am not afraid.  I am fearless in the kitchen.  Fearless in a way I never dreamed of.  Even though I may be a high-maintenance food snob, I have never been more proud to wear this title...weird food habits and all. 

In Christ,

Meg

Christmas Traditions and New Resolutions

After the hustle and bustle of Christmas, I had to sit back and reflect...I first of all realized how dear my family is to me.  I treasure each day, moment and time we get to spend together.  The laughter, food, harassing each other...all such fun times and great memories made.  I also had to reflect on how THANKFUL I am.  After all, God has blessed me so far above and beyond what I deserve...I am overwelmed at how He has blessed me.  I also thought about traditions. 

There are some things you do in your family and you have no idea why - and then others that you know why.  And this is where two of my favorite food traditions come in.  The first one is a tradition I have known my entire life on my dad's side - a dish we have every Christmas Eve and only then: Tourtiere.  This is a special tradition to me because it is very rare to find anyone else that actually knows what this is.  Tourtiere is a meat pie.  My ancestors who came to Minnesota from Quebec have been making this for years, and my grandma learned how to make it when she married my grandpa - even though she herself is not French. 

So here is where the confession comes in: I have not always loved this tradition.  For years and years I have thought Eew! This is SO GROSS!!  How can anyone eat this? I will NEVER eat this!  Well that vow went out the window along with my vow in 8th grade that I would never wear nail polish or carry a purse.  Apparently when I vow I won't do something, the opposite happens. :-)  So, as it were, in the last three years, I have fallen in love with Tourtiere.  Maybe it's because Jesus has done so much work in my heart I am more adventurous than I ever have been and my palate has expanded, but whatever the reason, I now love and adore this Christmas Eve family tradition.  I shared this with the Buffalo Narrows team when I was in Canada for a missions trip last summer.  I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when they knew what I was talking about!  Almost anyone state-side would have been clueless. 

Tradition number two is the "chocolate cookie dessert", or as we grandkids call it, the "chocolate Christmas log".  :-)  It is absolute awesomeness, and heaven on a plate.  Again - the only time we eat it is Christmas Eve.  It is basically Oreo cookies on steroids.  My grandma buys these large, chocolate wafers and then makes home made whipped cream and slathers it all over the cookies.  To make it look pretty, she adds little merichino cherries on top to look like flowers.  The dessert is then cut at a diagonal, and you devour every last drop.  (Possibly even licking the plate - shhhhhhh, don't tell!)  The only unfortunate thing about this tradition is that now with my diary allergy, I can no longer partake...unless I attempt to make it with coconut milk whipped topping....which I just may have to try... :-)  (Dessert pictured below).  What are some family traditions you have that you love and enjoy?

We are now into a brand new year - and I have a very good feeling about 2012.  I am excited to see what all God is going to do this year.  So, as usual, I came up with a few resolutions...or rather, goals.  Hopefully I can stick to them - with the help of the Lord!!  I won't post them all, but a few more fluffy ones are: paint my nails more often (once again, that vow in 8th grade definitely didn't last!), try cooking new things in the kitchen, run one race a month, get outside more, and journal more.  I am slowly learning balance, which has been very valuable to me...so hopefully I can keep that going!!  May your 2012 be blessed beyond measure! 

In Christ,

Meg