Reflection

In this moment of quiet, this moment of solitude, I sit and watch.  Very slowly, very subtly, my belly moves like a wave under my skin.  I am watching our little peanut, our little gift from God.  Part of me is sad…sad that soon this will go away.  Sad that I will no longer get to feel her move inside of me, watch her cute little movements, feel her push on my stomach.  Part of me is sad also for the fact that there will be no more quiet moments…or very few ones.  We are entering the season of babies…of little feet running through the house, laughing, crying, depending on us.  Of course I will have moments of quiet, but we are about to take on a very big calling, a huge responsibility…caring for little ones who will really need us.

 

Part of me is happy – overjoyed.  I feel like a huge elephant at times, and am very much looking forward to having my body back – to being able to hug Dan and not have a big belly in the way.  To getting to meet this little one I have been eagerly anticipating for months…seeing what she looks like, what her personality is like, getting to know a whole new being that God created especially for us. 

Of course I am scared at times, too.  What will this be like? What if I can’t handle it?  But I am sure those are all normal fears, and I know that by leaning on the Lord, He will help us through.  He wouldn’t have given her to us if He didn’t want us to trust Him and lean on Him.

She already makes me chuckle at times – watching her move, feeling her move.  I can tell she loves her daddy – he puts his hand on my stomach and she stops moving.  He talks to her and she moves towards his voice. 

I love her.  I love her little sweetness, and already I can tell that nothing will ever compare to this.  Of course I will love any children God gives us, but there is just something special about the first one. 

As I rub my stomach, and watch her move, I smile.  I feel those little feet move inside of me, and savor each moment.  Waiting, I savor this moment.  Soon I will have other moments to savor, but for now, I will take this one.

  

In Christ and with love,

Meg               

The "WHAT?! I'm going to be a MOM?!" Post

Well...so much for blogging more often!  I guess no one should be expecting this to happen more often, as our little sweet pea will be making an appearance sometime in the next few weeks...then life will really get busy!

I had always thought I didn't want to know the gender of the baby when I was going to end up having kids, but we did decide to find out.  (Dan didn't care either way haha!)  So we found out baby is a girl!  And let me tell you - she loves to move!  A lot.  Which is not surprising, since Dan and I are very busy, active people.  But it will be interesting to see what she is like when she arrives.  We are also not all about the pink.  The room is a light green color, and we are going with chocolate brown, oranges, yellows, greens, blues...some red...And most of the clothes that I have gotten for her are not pink.  Yes, there is some pink, but most of the colors are blues, purples, reds, greens, yellows...I love color, so I guess it makes sense I would pick stuff that is a variety.  We are keeping her name a secret for sure though. :)

 

I am very excited to meet her.  Being pregnant hasn't been that bad - I have had a pretty easy pregnancy compared to others.  However, there are things that I am looking forward to being done with.  Like the fact that I have a giant belly (Or anyway I feel like I do).  The fact that I can't drink coffee without feeling like I am either going to pass out from an anxiety attack or like I am going to throw up.  Caffeine is just too much for my body right now (sometime the middle of March some switch flipped in my brain and I wanted nothing to do with coffee).  The fact also that my back starts to hurt really bad after I sit in one spot too long, or sit on something not firm enough for too long, or if I am in the car longer than 30 minutes.  Also, the fact that I am even more sensitive to stuff than I was before - oddly enough, some dairy has been ok, but corn? Corn is like death.  It is all worth it for sure though.  And I am very grateful to God that this has all gone so well.  I honestly never knew what to expect.  This is clearly all God ordained, and He deserves all the praise!!

                                                 (We are funny, huh? This was 25 weeks.) :)                                          

The last week and a half has caught me stopping and thinking to myself, "What?!?...am I really going to be a MOM?!!" at least half a dozen times in a day.  Ironically enough it doesn't seem real half the time.  As if the big belly and kicks from baby don't make it real. Ha.  But this is real.  This little person is going to depend on Dan and I...for a long time. 

Am I ready? Well, let's be honest.  Are you really ever ready for anything??  To get married? Have kids? Start a job??  You may tell yourself you are ready and feel ready, but in all honesty, there is always that air of unknown...so I don't believe you are ever fully ready for anything.  I have days when I am like, "Stay in there for as long as possible".  Then there are other days when I just want her here to see what she is like, what she looks like, and begin to dive into this whole new adventure of parenting.  Sometimes the longer I wonder and think about something, the more I just want it to be over so I can begin to tackle it and start learning!  This is no different.

Life will for sure be different, but I am also looking forward to it.  This little peanut is such a gift from the Lord. 

But wow. I am really going to be a mom.  I think I need to really let that soak in.  Because it's huge. It still doesn't always seem real.  As long as the Lord is with us, we will be ok.  And let me tell you, He is Who we will be leaning on.  For all things.

In Christ and with love,

Meg 

Long Time No Write

I wish I could say that I will do a better job of writing on here more often, but if I try to make that promise then it probably won't happen. 

Life has been crazy but oh so good!!  Dan and I got married on December 21 (thank the good Lord).  Has it been all rosey and perfect?  Of course not.  Two very different people learning to live under the same roof can create challenges.  But overall this has been the best thing I could have ever been blessed with.  Being married is such a gift from God - it purifies you and challenges you, and it is so great to have someone to face life with - even the everyday "boring" things of life.  Someone to pray with, talk to, read the Bible with, laugh, play, work....I love being married.  Especially when your husband is as wonderful as mine. :)

Here are a few pictures from the day :) Everything went smoothly - it was amazing.  People had told me that "something would go wrong" and "not to worry", and I don't think a single thing went wrong.

About a month after we got married, Dan's brother Scott got married in Pennsylvania.  It was so cool to see the difference in weddings in only a month.  Ours was so Christmas themed and theirs was wintry/outdoorsy.  Very cool. :)  We are very happy for Scott and Michelle!!  (Dan really is happy...despite how it looks in the first picture haha).

Currently I am sick with a cold or sinus infection or something.  Dan and I are also excited because we will be having baby #1 sometime in early November!  Ideally we were hoping to wait a bit longer, but God has His plan, and we are excited regardless.  I will also be excited when I feel ok again - haha.  I haven't felt terrible, but have had my ups and downs, and have to be careful what I eat.  Coffee has been out for sure (very sad, and clearly this is Dan's son or daughter because I have no desire to drink coffee).   

Spring is finally here and that makes me happy beyond belief.  I am also so excited to go visit the Cartwrights sometime in the next few weeks.  I miss them a lot!  I will try to check in again sooner rather than later.  :)

In Christ and with love,

Meg





20

20 years.

20 years is a long...yet very short time.  And 20 years ago today, my life was changed forever. 

It was February 5, 1994.  It was a beautiful, cold, sunny day.  The day my dad was hit by a train, pushed 100 yards down the train tracks and was air lifted to St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester.  The day he was given last rites, and we were told that they had to do surgery because of his brain injury or else he would die.  However, they also said he still could die even with the surgery.  By God's grace, he lived.

I think the wounds I suffered were almost as deep, just different.  Mine were emotional wounds.

I began these last 20 years dealing with depression, anxiety, fear and the need to control things for fear that something would happen like what happened to my dad again.  I stuffed all of these feelings and emotions though, I acted like I was fine and had it all together, when in reality I was a self-conscious, insecure, scared little girl.  I built a wall so high and impenetrable around my heart that I refused to let anyone in.  If I did, I was sure I would just lose them.

I was also afraid to fully let Jesus into my heart.  Oddly enough, I for some reason did not have a fear of the Holy Spirit. He and I were close, although I did not realize it was Him until years later.  It wasn't as though I didn't KNOW or love Jesus and Father God... I did.  I had known them and (attempted) to walk with them my whole life.  It was just letting Jesus in, to get at the deep, dark, dirty places of my heart that terrified me.  But when I hit rock bottom in January 2006, I knew that was where I had to go.  I began counseling, and began to get into God's Word, and His light began to illuminate the dark places I had kept locked and hidden.  Eight months after I began counseling, struggling with "what is wrong with me?!" the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to spiritual warfare, something I knew nothing about.  I was fascinated. And I began to study it.  I learned that in order to break off the attacks satan threw at our minds, I had to open my mouth and speak out scripture - the "sword of the spirit" (Ephesians 6:17).  One night when I was feeling an emotional attack from satan, I grabbed my Bible and began to read scripture out loud.  All at once, I felt the attack break, the peace of Christ wash over me and from that point forward, I believed and used that sword.  In January 2008 I recommitted my life to Christ.  I told Him that my life was His and He could do what He wanted with it.  I could also tell that many of the fear, anxiety, control and depression issues were beginning to break because of the power of Jesus and God's Word.

A little over 2 years after I began counseling, I was driving home from work on a Friday night, and got stopped at a stop light, right near train tracks.  I noticed the lights were flashing, as a train was coming down the tracks.  It blew its whistle a few times and then the light turned green and I went on my way.  All at once, I noticed I felt different.  What was different about that? I thought to myself. And then I realized that was the first time in 12 years that I hadn't been scared or wanted to get away when I saw a train.  Jesus had healed and delivered me. 

The last 6 years since I have moved home have been more healing and more redemption.  God has gotten deeper into my heart, and the walk I had with the Lord was close...so close.  I am a living witness to the proof that Jesus can break the chains of darkness that hold us down.  Those same things will still try to rear their ugly heads again, but I have the tools to fight them off.  I know Who is living inside of me and that "Greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world" ~1 John 4:4.

Then there is my dad.  I honestly do not think that God could have gifted us with anything greater.  Before his accident he was a humble, gentle, kind man.  Since then he has become even more so.  He has become so grateful for the gift of life, and I am grateful that he is still here.  My biggest regrets are the fact that I have not always dealt with this as gracefully as I would have liked to.  There were so many times I have not been patient with him, not taken time to love him and try to accept who he now is.  This grieves my heart.  As I sit here and write this, I feel the Lord talking to my heart, telling me the grace He has for me.  He is saying, Megan, you were YOUNG. You were in pain and scared...you dealt with it the best way you could...and I have now redeemed that.  You have another chance...take it now.  Lord, please help me, and forgive me.  I want to do better and to love well. 

Here are some pictures from the past...and more recently.

The first picture was taken about 7 months after my dad had the accident, on his birthday.  The second picture was in 1997. The last picture was a couple months ago at me and Dan's wedding.  The first picture hurts me to look at at times.  My dad was so strong in my eyes and to see him hurt so badly gives me this terrible ache in my heart.  The last picture is so special. After dad had the accident, one of the first things I wondered (even at such a young age) was, What if he wasn't there to walk me down the aisle?  Thank God he was.

The Lord has not been without His purposes in this all.  He has taken such good care of us, He proved His faithfulness to us.  Because of this, the Lord drew all of us closer to Him and sanctified each of us more and more in His grace.  He led me to the job I am blessed with - helping kids with disabilities - which I totally love.  He has used all of the healing that has taken place in my life as a powerful testimony to His grace and the healing power of Christ when He is allowed into our lives - that He longs to love and redeem us.  He took me to Canada where I got to share the love of Jesus with my friends in Sandy Bay and connect with a young lady there who actually lost her father to a train accident.  Plus, that is where He had me meet my husband.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for life today.  Grateful for the gift of Christ and His love, as well as the love of family.  Grateful for His provision and protection.  My dad does not take any medications, is not in any pain and is his same sweet self...even more so.  My mom and I always said we got "the best of the worst".  I will believe that for my whole life.  I love you dad.

In Christ and with love,

Meg