FALLing

All I could think to myself today was: YES. It smells like fall, it FEELS like fall...oh the joy. 

I LOVE fall.  I love every. single. thing. about fall.  The leaves. The smells. The pumpkins. Hay rides. Apple orchards. Sever's Corn Maze. Sweaters. Scarves. Jackets. Cool crispness.  Apple crisp. Pumpkin...well, pumpkin everything.  I love anything made out of pumpkin (except pie...weird I know).  The colors....ah fall.

I am sure we will have a few more warm days, but welcome friend.  I have missed you.  Good-bye September, welcome, October.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Messy

I feel as though I am a twisted up mess at times...

I want you to hold me close, then I want to push you away...

I want to talk to you all day long, and feel hurt when we don't get to have our time as I want...

I want to kiss you and say nothing at all, but at the same time, I fear that...

I hate that I am so emotional...so up and down...I wish I was not this way. Why did God make women like this??

There are times I want to just sit and cry (like yesterday)...and then other times, I am so happy I can't contain it. Then there are the times I am downright mean. Those are the times I really do not like.

There are times I get so mad...then I feel bad for getting mad.

There are times I question...then I realize I just know and have known, but I'm so scared...so scared of being hurt again so badly that I just want to retreat into my own little world...into my own shell. To run away to Africa and never come back...for some reason I always want to run away there. As if the pain I feel will not follow me there. But it will...it will just be different pain. The Lord is making me face my past pain.

Why can't we be together now? Why does it seem so far away?  But yet at the same time, coming so so fast...

I know I should feel fulfilled in what God does for me...but there are so many times I do not...where I really would prefer you to Him...as horrible as that is, because I should always prefer Him over anything...but there are times I long to be with you...just you...and then there are other times He is so present with me that He fills me to overflowing. And there are times He allows me to feel such intense pain that He has to remind me that He really is the source of it all, and the only thing I have - and that He is all we need. 

Sometimes I don't know up from down, left from right.  Sometimes I feel like a hampster on a wheel and can't stop my thoughts and feelings.  I don't like those times. I wish I knew what to do...how to make it stop forever.

Speaking of forever, I don't think forever is long enough...it's too short...but forever with Jesus and you...I could do that...

But right now...I'll just take Jesus...

In Christ,

Meg

100

In 100 days I get to marry my best friend.  Can I just say that I can't wait? 

A lot of days it's really challenging to be so far away.  I'm a major people person...especially with people I am really close with and love a lot, and he would be one of those people.  I am so looking forward to waking up next to him and sharing a devotion and praying and then going off into our days and getting to spend my evenings with him, too.  It will just be nice to be together. 

100 days.  Seems so.....far.....away......but at the same time, I know it will go fast as well.  I just hope and pray that during this time we can continue to grow in Christ, get to know each other better and the Lord as well, that our love for each other and others will increase and that we will glorify God.  100 days and our lives will change forever...in good and I'm sure challenging ways.  But I know without a doubt he is my best friend and the person I was made for.  I'm so incredibly blessed.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Restless

I'm not sure what's been with me lately, but I have been restless. 

The other night I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time - which in all honesty I still did go to bed at a reasonable time (10pm).  But I was hoping to go to bed sooner.  I got under my covers, closed my eyes and about 10 minutes later I was flipping the light on, searching for my Bible as I just could not settle myself down.  I was noticing the restlessness in my heart.

Once again, today, I am noticing that same restlessness.  Yesterday was more of the same.  It got a little bit better when I went outside to water, kicked off my flip flops and stood there barefoot.  I then went inside, got a blanket and went outside on the front lawn and just laid there.  Soaking in the feel of the earth, the smells of the outdoors, the sounds of the cicadas and birds...staring upward at the sky.  I felt more at peace.  I think I really do forget how much I need to be outside.  How much better I feel just being outdoors.  This is why I am hoping and praying my knee will get better and I can run again, because being outside....that's what grounds me.  (That and some time with Jesus.) :)

 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Slow and Grateful

For probably close to the last 10 years, my life has been nothing but insane.  Not that it wasn't insane before that, but once the summer of 2003 hit, my life really picked up speed.  And it has hardly slowed down since. 

Some of this insanity is self-inflicted.  I tend to be a people-pleaser, and thus over-schedule myself and then I melt down because I haven't had enough time to rest or enough time to just be with Jesus and recharge.  This summer I kinda hit my breaking point with all of that. 

As far as I am concerned, I can have this final "push" through insanity up until the wedding...but then I just want a break...for at least a year...please Lord?  I just want to rest in Christ. To be with my husband.  To not have to be involved in 1,000 things and not think about where the future is going or what's going to happen...I really do want to have a slow, grateful, restful honeymoon of a year...Lord willing of course...

I'm sick of rushing and hurrying and when I do get a day to myself instead of just enjoying the Lord and such I work work work to catch up on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. 

Until I moved back to Owatonna, I felt like a nomad.  All through college, grad school and the 3 years following grad school I basically lived out of a suitcase.  I hated it.  That is so not me to live like that.  I longed to be rooted, grounded, settled.  Moving back here has proved to be just what I needed...however, I found that I was still driving and traveling ALL. THE. TIME.  So I can't wait until that lifestyle is over. 

So...my goal after December 21 is a slower more grateful life.  Taking time for simple, little things.  Resting.  Praying more, worrying less. Time for photography, writing, hopefully running if my knee is better. Time to just spend with Dan.  Reading God's Word more and really soaking it in.  That's truly where my heart is.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

The Heart

Today I am struggling. 

Over the last 10 years, the Lord has changed me so much, that if you knew me then, you would probably hardly know me now.  He has freed me from things I didn't think would ever go away.  He has changed my heart attitude in regards to many things.  From big things to silly things.  For example, there are some secular songs and artists I can stand...but the majority of them I just can't.  Even being in the presence of that music for too long makes my skin crawl.  This has changed from the girl who used to go to bars (not all the time, mind you, but almost monthly), or night clubs.  Then that music never bothered me, but now I can't stand it.  Nor can I stand the bar atmosphere.  Again - not as though I went there a lot, but I just don't like it.  (Although now that I'm writing this...I could see a potential witnessing opportunity....hmmmmm. That's for another time though...)

Believe it or not, the Lord has also majorly broken me from a lot of materialism.  I used to put so much stock in the things I owned.  Now I appreciate, am thankful for and am content with the things I own.  For example, the fact that I have an I-phone.  I feel blessed that I have it.  It is not the central part of my life.  When I go out to dinner with someone, I don't stare at my phone more than them or anything.  But I do appreciate it.  And am thankful for it - as odd as that may sound.  Yes, I like to wear make up (probably always will) but I am no longer ashamed of going without make up.  In fact, I have started something I like to refer to as : "No make up Wednesday".  Every Wednesday I choose to not wear make up to remind myself that the heart is what matters.  I do enjoy clothes, and honestly (once again) I probably always will...I enjoy looking nice.  Not over the top, but nice.  But I don't spend a significant amount of my income on clothes anymore.  I also make sure to dress modestly.  Another major heart change.  Not that I ever dressed immodestly...but I guess now I make sure to really take care in what I wear, so as not to reveal too much of my body. 

All this being said, I am struggling.  Struggling with me.  Struggling with change.  Questioning if I really can walk the walk and talk the talk.  Unsure of anything, really.  I guess I don't know.  Ultimately Jesus is the only one Who knows.  I trust that He will light and guide my path.  Wherever that may be.  He will change my heart in the areas that need to be changed, when they need to be changed.  The Holy Spirit will convict me and prompt me to change and empower me to do so.  I have no doubt about that, as I have seen Him do it so many times.

But for now, I don't need to have all the answers.  I don't need to know everything.  I just need to continue to get to know Him.  If people can't tell I'm different right now, doing what I do, living the life I'm blessed to live because I'm a Christian, how would they tell I'm a Christian if I made drastic changes??  Because regardless of what the outside looks like, if the inside doesn't glow with the light of Christ, no one will see Him in me anyway.  Make up or no make up.  Living where I live now or a hut in Africa.  Drinking coffee or no coffee. Driving a BMW or a beater. (Just kidding - I'd never drive a BMW. I'm a Chevy girl all the way. Or one of those ancient VW vans...that'd be cool.)  The heart is what counts.  And as long as I have the right heart attitude, and am not making idols out of the things I enjoy, I believe that's what Jesus really wants.  So I'll continue to check my heart and check with Him.  And go from there. 

In Christ,

Meg