It was February 2011 and I was a mess. And I mean a mess.
I wanted to get married. I wanted that best friend and partner to walk with me through life. That was all I wanted. I kept thinking I might have found it, but those were all lies and mirages. The guys I met were wimpy, shallow, weak and did not love Jesus the way I was hoping they would. They didn't even think about their faith or put Him first. Or the opposite happened - they maybe had their faith, but I had no feelings for them.
At church one Sunday in February, I sat by Terriann and Alyssa and I think I cried through the whole service. I felt so lonely. I was wondering why. Why was I still alone? Why hadn't I found anyone? Why was I in this place? And why did it always seem that no guy ever loved Jesus? My heart cried out to God throughout worship in a way it hadn't done in quite awhile.
Clearly getting married was a desire God had put in my heart, but I did not want a "typical" guy. I didn't exactly know what I wanted, but I knew I sure hadn't found it. On top of that, I was told that Jesus was supposed to be my husband. I'm sad to say that at that time, the thought of me not getting married and having Jesus only depressed me beyond words. But that was how I felt at that time. The thought was almost too unbearable to me. The scripture, "For your Maker is your Husband—the Lord of hosts is His name—and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called." ~Isaiah 54:5 also came to me...and ironically, I was happy about it but at the same time, rather sad.
A few nights later, I was at home, still having a hard time, crying on my couch. To my mind came the scripture, "I love You fervently and devotedly, O Lord, my Strength...." I knew it was in Psalms, but I could not remeber where in Psalms. I wanted to pray that out loud to God, because it was where my heart was at. So I asked the Holy Spirit. I heard Psalm 37 on my heart. So I went to Psalm 37. It was not the scripture I thought it was.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him and He will bring it to pass. And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday. Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass." ~Psalm 37:3-7
I cried even harder. That scripture then began to continually come back to me over the next two years. I thought I knew what it meant. "Delight yourself in God and He'll give you everything you want!" Um.....no. Not what it means. This year in Canada I finally realized the TRUE meaning of this scripture.
It means that if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the TRUE desires of your heart...the desires that match up with His desires for you. He will show you things that you don't even realize you desire. He will break your heart for what breaks His. He took things that I had wanted for so long and he shifted them 180 degrees. I realized that everything I had thought I wanted wasn't anything at all like what I really truly desired once I was completely content and delighted in the Lord as my love and companion. After stumbling upon that scripture, Jesus began to really work on me falling in love with Him over the last two and a half years. I'm happy to say I have fallen in love with Him and that I came to a place where I finally became ok with whatever outcome He desired for me - marriage or not. I am totally surrendered to His will for my life.
I had a ring with Psalm 37:4 on it. I gave it away in Canada this year. When I got back, the Holy Spirit showed me that was the moment He changed me. I had delighted myself in Him, and He in me. What else could I possibly want?
And the scripture I had wanted to find?? It was in Psalm 18. The Holy Spirit knew what I needed to hear. He was right.
In Christ,
Meg
