Messy

I feel as though I am a twisted up mess at times...

I want you to hold me close, then I want to push you away...

I want to talk to you all day long, and feel hurt when we don't get to have our time as I want...

I want to kiss you and say nothing at all, but at the same time, I fear that...

I hate that I am so emotional...so up and down...I wish I was not this way. Why did God make women like this??

There are times I want to just sit and cry (like yesterday)...and then other times, I am so happy I can't contain it. Then there are the times I am downright mean. Those are the times I really do not like.

There are times I get so mad...then I feel bad for getting mad.

There are times I question...then I realize I just know and have known, but I'm so scared...so scared of being hurt again so badly that I just want to retreat into my own little world...into my own shell. To run away to Africa and never come back...for some reason I always want to run away there. As if the pain I feel will not follow me there. But it will...it will just be different pain. The Lord is making me face my past pain.

Why can't we be together now? Why does it seem so far away?  But yet at the same time, coming so so fast...

I know I should feel fulfilled in what God does for me...but there are so many times I do not...where I really would prefer you to Him...as horrible as that is, because I should always prefer Him over anything...but there are times I long to be with you...just you...and then there are other times He is so present with me that He fills me to overflowing. And there are times He allows me to feel such intense pain that He has to remind me that He really is the source of it all, and the only thing I have - and that He is all we need. 

Sometimes I don't know up from down, left from right.  Sometimes I feel like a hampster on a wheel and can't stop my thoughts and feelings.  I don't like those times. I wish I knew what to do...how to make it stop forever.

Speaking of forever, I don't think forever is long enough...it's too short...but forever with Jesus and you...I could do that...

But right now...I'll just take Jesus...

In Christ,

Meg