20 years.
20 years is a long...yet very short time. And 20 years ago today, my life was changed forever.
It was February 5, 1994. It was a beautiful, cold, sunny day. The day my dad was hit by a train, pushed 100 yards down the train tracks and was air lifted to St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester. The day he was given last rites, and we were told that they had to do surgery because of his brain injury or else he would die. However, they also said he still could die even with the surgery. By God's grace, he lived.
I think the wounds I suffered were almost as deep, just different. Mine were emotional wounds.
I began these last 20 years dealing with depression, anxiety, fear and the need to control things for fear that something would happen like what happened to my dad again. I stuffed all of these feelings and emotions though, I acted like I was fine and had it all together, when in reality I was a self-conscious, insecure, scared little girl. I built a wall so high and impenetrable around my heart that I refused to let anyone in. If I did, I was sure I would just lose them.
I was also afraid to fully let Jesus into my heart. Oddly enough, I for some reason did not have a fear of the Holy Spirit. He and I were close, although I did not realize it was Him until years later. It wasn't as though I didn't KNOW or love Jesus and Father God... I did. I had known them and (attempted) to walk with them my whole life. It was just letting Jesus in, to get at the deep, dark, dirty places of my heart that terrified me. But when I hit rock bottom in January 2006, I knew that was where I had to go. I began counseling, and began to get into God's Word, and His light began to illuminate the dark places I had kept locked and hidden. Eight months after I began counseling, struggling with "what is wrong with me?!" the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to spiritual warfare, something I knew nothing about. I was fascinated. And I began to study it. I learned that in order to break off the attacks satan threw at our minds, I had to open my mouth and speak out scripture - the "sword of the spirit" (Ephesians 6:17). One night when I was feeling an emotional attack from satan, I grabbed my Bible and began to read scripture out loud. All at once, I felt the attack break, the peace of Christ wash over me and from that point forward, I believed and used that sword. In January 2008 I recommitted my life to Christ. I told Him that my life was His and He could do what He wanted with it. I could also tell that many of the fear, anxiety, control and depression issues were beginning to break because of the power of Jesus and God's Word.
A little over 2 years after I began counseling, I was driving home from work on a Friday night, and got stopped at a stop light, right near train tracks. I noticed the lights were flashing, as a train was coming down the tracks. It blew its whistle a few times and then the light turned green and I went on my way. All at once, I noticed I felt different.
What was different about that? I thought to myself. And then I realized that was the first time in 12 years that I hadn't been scared or wanted to get away when I saw a train. Jesus had healed and delivered me.
The last 6 years since I have moved home have been more healing and more redemption. God has gotten deeper into my heart, and the walk I had with the Lord was close...so close. I am a living witness to the proof that Jesus can break the chains of darkness that hold us down. Those same things will still try to rear their ugly heads again, but I have the tools to fight them off. I know Who is living inside of me and that "Greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world" ~1 John 4:4.
Then there is my dad. I honestly do not think that God could have gifted us with anything greater. Before his accident he was a humble, gentle, kind man. Since then he has become even more so. He has become so grateful for the gift of life, and I am grateful that he is still here. My biggest regrets are the fact that I have not always dealt with this as gracefully as I would have liked to. There were so many times I have not been patient with him, not taken time to love him and try to accept who he now is. This grieves my heart. As I sit here and write this, I feel the Lord talking to my heart, telling me the grace He has for me. He is saying,
Megan, you were YOUNG. You were in pain and scared...you dealt with it the best way you could...and I have now redeemed that. You have another chance...take it now. Lord, please help me, and forgive me. I want to do better and to love well.
Here are some pictures from the past...and more recently.
The first picture was taken about 7 months after my dad had the accident, on his birthday. The second picture was in 1997. The last picture was a couple months ago at me and Dan's wedding. The first picture hurts me to look at at times. My dad was so strong in my eyes and to see him hurt so badly gives me this terrible ache in my heart. The last picture is so special. After dad had the accident, one of the first things I wondered (even at such a young age) was,
What if he wasn't there to walk me down the aisle? Thank God he was.
The Lord has not been without His purposes in this all. He has taken such good care of us, He proved His faithfulness to us. Because of this, the Lord drew all of us closer to Him and sanctified each of us more and more in His grace. He led me to the job I am blessed with - helping kids with disabilities - which I totally love. He has used all of the healing that has taken place in my life as a powerful testimony to His grace and the healing power of Christ when He is allowed into our lives - that He longs to love and redeem us. He took me to Canada where I got to share the love of Jesus with my friends in Sandy Bay and connect with a young lady there who actually lost her father to a train accident. Plus, that is where He had me meet my husband.
So I am grateful. Grateful for life today. Grateful for the gift of Christ and His love, as well as the love of family. Grateful for His provision and protection. My dad does not take any medications, is not in any pain and is his same sweet self...even more so. My mom and I always said we got "the best of the worst". I will believe that for my whole life. I love you dad.
In Christ and with love,
Meg
