Messy

I feel as though I am a twisted up mess at times...

I want you to hold me close, then I want to push you away...

I want to talk to you all day long, and feel hurt when we don't get to have our time as I want...

I want to kiss you and say nothing at all, but at the same time, I fear that...

I hate that I am so emotional...so up and down...I wish I was not this way. Why did God make women like this??

There are times I want to just sit and cry (like yesterday)...and then other times, I am so happy I can't contain it. Then there are the times I am downright mean. Those are the times I really do not like.

There are times I get so mad...then I feel bad for getting mad.

There are times I question...then I realize I just know and have known, but I'm so scared...so scared of being hurt again so badly that I just want to retreat into my own little world...into my own shell. To run away to Africa and never come back...for some reason I always want to run away there. As if the pain I feel will not follow me there. But it will...it will just be different pain. The Lord is making me face my past pain.

Why can't we be together now? Why does it seem so far away?  But yet at the same time, coming so so fast...

I know I should feel fulfilled in what God does for me...but there are so many times I do not...where I really would prefer you to Him...as horrible as that is, because I should always prefer Him over anything...but there are times I long to be with you...just you...and then there are other times He is so present with me that He fills me to overflowing. And there are times He allows me to feel such intense pain that He has to remind me that He really is the source of it all, and the only thing I have - and that He is all we need. 

Sometimes I don't know up from down, left from right.  Sometimes I feel like a hampster on a wheel and can't stop my thoughts and feelings.  I don't like those times. I wish I knew what to do...how to make it stop forever.

Speaking of forever, I don't think forever is long enough...it's too short...but forever with Jesus and you...I could do that...

But right now...I'll just take Jesus...

In Christ,

Meg

100

In 100 days I get to marry my best friend.  Can I just say that I can't wait? 

A lot of days it's really challenging to be so far away.  I'm a major people person...especially with people I am really close with and love a lot, and he would be one of those people.  I am so looking forward to waking up next to him and sharing a devotion and praying and then going off into our days and getting to spend my evenings with him, too.  It will just be nice to be together. 

100 days.  Seems so.....far.....away......but at the same time, I know it will go fast as well.  I just hope and pray that during this time we can continue to grow in Christ, get to know each other better and the Lord as well, that our love for each other and others will increase and that we will glorify God.  100 days and our lives will change forever...in good and I'm sure challenging ways.  But I know without a doubt he is my best friend and the person I was made for.  I'm so incredibly blessed.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Restless

I'm not sure what's been with me lately, but I have been restless. 

The other night I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time - which in all honesty I still did go to bed at a reasonable time (10pm).  But I was hoping to go to bed sooner.  I got under my covers, closed my eyes and about 10 minutes later I was flipping the light on, searching for my Bible as I just could not settle myself down.  I was noticing the restlessness in my heart.

Once again, today, I am noticing that same restlessness.  Yesterday was more of the same.  It got a little bit better when I went outside to water, kicked off my flip flops and stood there barefoot.  I then went inside, got a blanket and went outside on the front lawn and just laid there.  Soaking in the feel of the earth, the smells of the outdoors, the sounds of the cicadas and birds...staring upward at the sky.  I felt more at peace.  I think I really do forget how much I need to be outside.  How much better I feel just being outdoors.  This is why I am hoping and praying my knee will get better and I can run again, because being outside....that's what grounds me.  (That and some time with Jesus.) :)

 

In Christ and with love,

Meg