What do you do when you can't focus on your final synthesis for finishing your Autism Certificate and would rather be doing anything else? Write. Or anyway, that's what I do.
About four and a half years ago I found myself in a place I really didn't want to find myself. Alone. Alone in many different ways. Even though I had just moved back to my hometown and was now geographically living closer to my family than I had since High School, I still felt out of place. I had been gone almost 10 years from this town, and had different experiences, was a different person and wasn't sure how to fit in. I had ended a long relationship, so there was another aspect of loneliness. Once I started work, I also felt alone as my work environment was very challenging. All of who I considered my friends were either in the cities or far away. I HATED it. I was miserable. I am such a people person and love spending time with people that it was killing me. I began to question why God allowed me to move back here and if I had even made the right choice, I was probably even slightly angry with my situation...sad to admit it. I may have even blamed God a bit for where I found myself...as if I hadn't gotten myself into this situation of loneliness enough on my own.
Being a follower of Jesus Christ, you would think I wouldn't have felt alone, as Jesus is always by our side, but at this point, I was "running away". Jesus had healed me from many of the issues I had from my dad's train accident, but there was a whole different set of baggage I was carrying. Baggage I wasn't ready to let go of. Fortunately for us, God is very patient with us. He thus began a season of teaching me about being alone, and teaching me to lean on and rely on Him.
That first year I was back in Owatonna, I was literally just almost at rock bottom. I was stubborn, rebellious, did not want to submit to authority, wanted to do what I wanted to do and didn't want anyone to tell me otherwise, had a bad attitude and just overall generally was not on the right road. But again, God always has His plans which are way better than ours.
Memorial day weekend 2009 my friend Sarah invited me to this church called Hosanna!. That was the moment God rocked my world. One of the songs sang during worship was
"Revelation Song", and I was a complete water works by the time the song was over and I knew all my fighting was over as well. I had to surrender, and I did. That summer began a major transformation in my heart. I attended many of the classes Hosanna! offered, and began to see the Holy Spirit work in big ways in my life. He put this fire in me to read scripture as I hadn't before - I literally thirsted for it. By the time that fall came, I was feeling called to go on a Mission trip - and I had no idea why. But those are all stories for another time.....
Despite all of the work God was starting to do in me, He was still allowing me to feel this deep sense of loneliness. I felt I had no friends in Owatonna, and through this He showed me that He was allowing me to feel this way so I could learn to develop time with Him and a deep, intimate relationship with Christ. From the time I moved home through my first two years back here, anytime I would get some friends, the Lord would allow something to happen that would separate that friendship. It wasn't because He was punishing me, or because He didn't want me to have friends, it was because I would cling to those friendships and focus on that fulfilling me rather than clinging to Him and letting Him fulfill me. He needed to teach me to cling to HIM. He also allowed circumstances to occur that separated me from many of my friends in the cities for the same reasons. He also later showed me another reason He allowed this season in my life was so that I could understand how many people in this world feel...so utterly alone...and have compassion for them.
Spring 2010 is when it began...If you know me, you know how much I love coffee. Meet me and typically within an hour you will probably find out that I love it...it's really not much of a secret or mystery. I thus was led to some of these "quiet moments", these deep conversations with Jesus...over coffee. I began to sneak off to Starbucks, or French Meadow and their hippie/down to earth atmosphere - and drink coffee and journal and spend time in scripture. It was over these times of coffee spent with Jesus that He continued to work on transforming me. And I got to know Him very well.
An interesting thing happened...once these coffee with Jesus dates started to happen, I began to feel not so alone. I began to be content with where I was and what I had. Not that I still didn't have my ups and downs with all of it, but gradually over the last two years I have felt less and less alone...more content with being alone.
Then another interesting thing happened...God began to restore friends to me. Summer 2010 I went to Canada for the first time and God gave me amazing friends...who were actually more like family - through that experience. Then, God opened doors for me to have friends here...and these friends have prooved to be fun, funny, kind, loving, Christ-centered people. I have been blessed.
I still have my coffee with Jesus dates as often as I can. It's a very special time to me. I can promise you that if you are feeling alone, He knows. He wants to fill that loneliness. He is the only thing that can. Once you are content in Christ, not much else matters. Not the number of friends you have, the family who is around or not, not a significant other...nothing. So while life may have its ups and downs, I know Who I have...and Who will never leave me. And that He is always there, waiting for me...cup of coffee or not.
