Here it is

I have a concern.  Social media.

Now, let's be honest - I am probably just as addicted to social media as anyone else.  I probably browse Pinterest, check Facebook and Instagram just as much as the 18 year old sitting next to me.  But over the last few months, my concerns have grown. 

What, you may ask, are you concerned about?  A couple of things.

First, that people don't know how to be relational and spend time in real conversations with anyone anymore.  Or that we are with someone without really being WITH them...know what I am saying?  Our friend, spouse, child...whoever - is sitting across from us, trying to chat about something and we are on our phone.  How about we try to be more present?

My other concern is how many of these tools are all about us.  My Facebook page is all about me, my Instagram is all about me.  Me me me me me.  I think we need to be cautious of where we take that. 

My final concern - and possibly the biggest concern of them all is IMAGE.  What do we post?  Things that make us look good.  Feel good.  Give others the impression that we are amazing, do all these awesome things and conquer the world!!  That we are perfect.  Our kids are dressed perfectly, look like they behave perfectly and never have meltdowns.  We look like we have nary a hair out of place and do it all in heels.  Our spouse? "Well look how amazing they are!!  They did X, Y and Z for me...they are perfect."  Or - "Look what I accomplished yesterday!  I cleaned the house, planted a garden, mowed the lawn, washed 10 loads of laundry, got a pedicure and just happened to solve world hunger in the meantime.  Yay. Me. I am SO awesome."  Also - "Look at this missions trip I went on and how I saved these people!"  As though we are responsible for that.  And trust me - I am probably guilty of that one. 

I know.  I am being negative.  I apologize for that.  But as someone who has been hurt many times by the things I have seen on social media, I may have been pushed too far.

So just know this: for every adorable picture I post of my kid, there is also one...maybe two...possibly THREE of her unhappy.  Screaming.  Sad.  For every sweet family photo I post of us there is an equal number of photos I could post where we are not sweet.  Where our sinful human nature takes over and we treat each other in ways I am not proud of.  For every cute picture of Ruthie and I, know there are also ones that I could post that would show a myriad of not very proud mommy moments.  And for the record - I don't save the people on the missions trips - Christ does that.

But I guess that is what grace is all about.  Right?  That's why Christ gave Himself up for us.  For those moments when we would NOT want to post aspects of our lives to social media.  For those moments we don't want to brag about how "awesome we are"...because we yelled at our kid, were not grace-filled towards our spouse, cut someone off in traffic or had a not nice thought about the person next to us.  I do believe that we can use social media for His glory - as I think all things can be used for His glory.  But we need to be careful.  What are our motives?

I wish I could say I never have gotten mad at Ruth or Dan.  That I treated them with utmost dignity and respect.  That my behavior was always sweet, gentle, selfless and sacrificing towards them.  But that would be a lie.  I have hurt them both more times than I care to think about.  And they don't deserve that.  In those moments, I am thankful for His grace.  For without it, I would be in huge trouble.  And I am thankful for His teachable moments....in real life, social media and elsewhere. 

In Christ,

Meg 

Caught By Surprise

I just have to say, that I was caught by surprise.

I never was the girl who dreamed about getting married and having a family since she was 8.  This is not to say I didn't want either of those things.  I always hoped and prayed to find love, get married and have kids, but it was not a very strong desire - not one that was all consuming as it is for others. 

I also was never the girl who wanted to climb the corporate ladder, become uber successful and make all kinds of money and be "important" in the eyes of the world.

I had always wanted to help people.  That was always an important thing for me.  That was what I felt God calling me to do with my life.  I knew this by the time I was a Freshman in high school.  Being as I was exposed to all kinds of things in the medical field, I thought about speech language pathology and physical therapy.  Speech won out.

I headed off to college, then grad school and God led me in the direction of working with kids...also something I never planned to do.  When I started out I wanted to work with adults with brain injuries in a hospital.  I got put in a school placement and fell in love with kids.  I also (years later - after I moved back to my hometown, began working for the school district I grew up in and God really got ahold of my heart) got led to go on a mission trip to Canada to help share the love of Jesus with native kids.  As many of you know, it was on that same mission trip I met my husband.  We have now been married just a little over a year. 

I would be lying if I said that Ruth was a planned baby. She wasn't.  She was, however, in God's wonderful plan for us, and was a very welcome addition to our lives.  (How could I be upset about a baby?!)  But what really caught me by surprise?  How much I LOVE being a mom. 

I have had some incredibly hard days since she was born, but I have also had some incredibly wonderful days.  There honestly has been no greater gift God gave me - other than the gift of my husband - than this little girl.  I have learned so much since she came into our lives.  God has used her to purify me more for His glory, and for that I am so grateful.  And - something else I thought I would never say - I hope and pray He will bless us with at least 2 more kids. 

So yes, I was caught by surprise.  But what a wonderful surprise it was. 

 

In Christ and with love,

Meg 



Dear Ruthie (part 2)

Dear Ruthie,

When you are in your little chair and you look up at me with your sweet little eyes, your eyes of innocence and love, my heart melts. When you are smiling and cooing at me and pretending to be shy I catch my breath... This will only last but a moment. When you are crying and nothing your dad or I can do consoles you my heart breaks - I so wish I could make everything ok (or know what was wrong). My sweet baby girl, I love you with all my heart. I always will. Even if I get frustrated and discouraged at times with your crying...with not knowing what to do. I would give you my heart if you needed it. I am so grateful to God that you are healthy. I am so grateful He gave you to us. I am sure He has an amazing plan for your life. I look forward to seeing what that is. You are already one of my best friends and I cherish moments with you. When it is quiet and it is just you and I in the morning and I am feeding you. When you are cooing on the changing table while I change your diaper. When you fall asleep in my arms. You are my joy. I adore you and praise our great God for the gift of you.

Love Always,
Mommy

Dear Ruthie...

Dear Ruthie,

I wish I could tell you what you mean to me. I wish I could make you understand the incredible gift you are to your dad and I. I see a beautiful, precious creation made by God, one we were gifted with and entrusted with to care for. I hope and pray daily that I do Him well by being your mom. That I can teach you about Him, His grace and about Jesus. That you will put your hope and trust in Jesus, love Him, follow Him, serve Him and teach others about Him.

Please have some grace for your dad and I. We try so hard, but we are not perfect and often fail and screw up and don't know what to do and this will probably go on your entire life. Just know that even in the middle of our mistakes and failures we truly desire to love you well and want what is best for you....even if you may not see it that way. We realize you will grow, change and develop your own opinions but we really do hope and pray that you will come to us with everything.

In these first two months of your life I have cried, laughed, gotten mad, felt lost and confused and loved you more fiercely than I thought possible. I have learned to be more patient, more selfless and to slow down. Thank you for teaching me that. I have so much to learn from you. I am already delighting to see you growing, changing, exploring and figuring out this world we live in. But it also grieves my heart knowing that you will all too soon be 18 and heading out the door into the real world. So I want to cherish these moments as much as possible. Having you was like God taking my heart and having it walk around outside of myself.

Do not ever forget how much we love you and are here for you. Even more importantly how much God loves you and is there for you. Keep on growing honey, but not too fast.... And always remember that even when you are 30, you will be my little girl.

Love Always with all my heart,
Mom

Welcome to the Circus

This has been my favorite phrase the last month and a half.  A MONTH AND A HALF!!  Our little peanut is over a month old already.

Now, I would like to tell you that everything has been just wonderful, gone smoothly and we have had no moments of confusion, crying or struggle...but then I would be lying.  The last month and a half has been both the best and worst of my life.

The things they never tell you.  Oh sure, you are warned about hormonal shifts, but you just don't know how bad the hormonal shifts are until you are going through it.  I cried every day for the first two weeks.  And the tears were not always because I was depressed or overwhelmed.  They were tears of joy, tears of love for this little being God gave us, too.  But there were also the tears because I was overwhelmed, didn't know what to do, wished she would stop crying.

I have literally felt like we were a circus half the time.  I started out with ideas about stuff - "We are going to be on a schedule!"  Yeah, no.  Now that she is over a month old, we are going to try to get on some sort of schedule a bit more, but that first month she needed love..she needed to bond with us.  Now, I did not hold her every second of every day, but I tried to hold her when I could.  To talk to her as much as I could.  The reward has been smiles and coos.  I love to see her smile and coo.

We are beginning to work on teaching her to fall asleep on her own.  The first night was awful.  She wouldn't settle down.  We had to go in every five minutes for almost an hour.  Last night was better and I am hoping that she will continue to do well with this.  I only want the best for her.

I have never leaned on Jesus as much as I have the last month and a half.  I think God gave her to us to show me how much I needed Him and to be focused on Him and cling to Him.  I am ok with that, too.  It is all part of the purification process.  Apparently I had a lot more purifying to be done.

It is now a brand new year, a brand new start.  I don't like resolutions, nor do I intend to make any.  I saw on another blog I follow that she picks a word - I think I will do that.  I will figure out a word for my year - one that I can focus on in a positive way.  The only other thing I desire for this year is a closer walk with Jesus.  Hope you all have a happy and blessed 2015.

In Christ and with love,

Meg 

Reflection

In this moment of quiet, this moment of solitude, I sit and watch.  Very slowly, very subtly, my belly moves like a wave under my skin.  I am watching our little peanut, our little gift from God.  Part of me is sad…sad that soon this will go away.  Sad that I will no longer get to feel her move inside of me, watch her cute little movements, feel her push on my stomach.  Part of me is sad also for the fact that there will be no more quiet moments…or very few ones.  We are entering the season of babies…of little feet running through the house, laughing, crying, depending on us.  Of course I will have moments of quiet, but we are about to take on a very big calling, a huge responsibility…caring for little ones who will really need us.

 

Part of me is happy – overjoyed.  I feel like a huge elephant at times, and am very much looking forward to having my body back – to being able to hug Dan and not have a big belly in the way.  To getting to meet this little one I have been eagerly anticipating for months…seeing what she looks like, what her personality is like, getting to know a whole new being that God created especially for us. 

Of course I am scared at times, too.  What will this be like? What if I can’t handle it?  But I am sure those are all normal fears, and I know that by leaning on the Lord, He will help us through.  He wouldn’t have given her to us if He didn’t want us to trust Him and lean on Him.

She already makes me chuckle at times – watching her move, feeling her move.  I can tell she loves her daddy – he puts his hand on my stomach and she stops moving.  He talks to her and she moves towards his voice. 

I love her.  I love her little sweetness, and already I can tell that nothing will ever compare to this.  Of course I will love any children God gives us, but there is just something special about the first one. 

As I rub my stomach, and watch her move, I smile.  I feel those little feet move inside of me, and savor each moment.  Waiting, I savor this moment.  Soon I will have other moments to savor, but for now, I will take this one.

  

In Christ and with love,

Meg               

The "WHAT?! I'm going to be a MOM?!" Post

Well...so much for blogging more often!  I guess no one should be expecting this to happen more often, as our little sweet pea will be making an appearance sometime in the next few weeks...then life will really get busy!

I had always thought I didn't want to know the gender of the baby when I was going to end up having kids, but we did decide to find out.  (Dan didn't care either way haha!)  So we found out baby is a girl!  And let me tell you - she loves to move!  A lot.  Which is not surprising, since Dan and I are very busy, active people.  But it will be interesting to see what she is like when she arrives.  We are also not all about the pink.  The room is a light green color, and we are going with chocolate brown, oranges, yellows, greens, blues...some red...And most of the clothes that I have gotten for her are not pink.  Yes, there is some pink, but most of the colors are blues, purples, reds, greens, yellows...I love color, so I guess it makes sense I would pick stuff that is a variety.  We are keeping her name a secret for sure though. :)

 

I am very excited to meet her.  Being pregnant hasn't been that bad - I have had a pretty easy pregnancy compared to others.  However, there are things that I am looking forward to being done with.  Like the fact that I have a giant belly (Or anyway I feel like I do).  The fact that I can't drink coffee without feeling like I am either going to pass out from an anxiety attack or like I am going to throw up.  Caffeine is just too much for my body right now (sometime the middle of March some switch flipped in my brain and I wanted nothing to do with coffee).  The fact also that my back starts to hurt really bad after I sit in one spot too long, or sit on something not firm enough for too long, or if I am in the car longer than 30 minutes.  Also, the fact that I am even more sensitive to stuff than I was before - oddly enough, some dairy has been ok, but corn? Corn is like death.  It is all worth it for sure though.  And I am very grateful to God that this has all gone so well.  I honestly never knew what to expect.  This is clearly all God ordained, and He deserves all the praise!!

                                                 (We are funny, huh? This was 25 weeks.) :)                                          

The last week and a half has caught me stopping and thinking to myself, "What?!?...am I really going to be a MOM?!!" at least half a dozen times in a day.  Ironically enough it doesn't seem real half the time.  As if the big belly and kicks from baby don't make it real. Ha.  But this is real.  This little person is going to depend on Dan and I...for a long time. 

Am I ready? Well, let's be honest.  Are you really ever ready for anything??  To get married? Have kids? Start a job??  You may tell yourself you are ready and feel ready, but in all honesty, there is always that air of unknown...so I don't believe you are ever fully ready for anything.  I have days when I am like, "Stay in there for as long as possible".  Then there are other days when I just want her here to see what she is like, what she looks like, and begin to dive into this whole new adventure of parenting.  Sometimes the longer I wonder and think about something, the more I just want it to be over so I can begin to tackle it and start learning!  This is no different.

Life will for sure be different, but I am also looking forward to it.  This little peanut is such a gift from the Lord. 

But wow. I am really going to be a mom.  I think I need to really let that soak in.  Because it's huge. It still doesn't always seem real.  As long as the Lord is with us, we will be ok.  And let me tell you, He is Who we will be leaning on.  For all things.

In Christ and with love,

Meg 

Long Time No Write

I wish I could say that I will do a better job of writing on here more often, but if I try to make that promise then it probably won't happen. 

Life has been crazy but oh so good!!  Dan and I got married on December 21 (thank the good Lord).  Has it been all rosey and perfect?  Of course not.  Two very different people learning to live under the same roof can create challenges.  But overall this has been the best thing I could have ever been blessed with.  Being married is such a gift from God - it purifies you and challenges you, and it is so great to have someone to face life with - even the everyday "boring" things of life.  Someone to pray with, talk to, read the Bible with, laugh, play, work....I love being married.  Especially when your husband is as wonderful as mine. :)

Here are a few pictures from the day :) Everything went smoothly - it was amazing.  People had told me that "something would go wrong" and "not to worry", and I don't think a single thing went wrong.

About a month after we got married, Dan's brother Scott got married in Pennsylvania.  It was so cool to see the difference in weddings in only a month.  Ours was so Christmas themed and theirs was wintry/outdoorsy.  Very cool. :)  We are very happy for Scott and Michelle!!  (Dan really is happy...despite how it looks in the first picture haha).

Currently I am sick with a cold or sinus infection or something.  Dan and I are also excited because we will be having baby #1 sometime in early November!  Ideally we were hoping to wait a bit longer, but God has His plan, and we are excited regardless.  I will also be excited when I feel ok again - haha.  I haven't felt terrible, but have had my ups and downs, and have to be careful what I eat.  Coffee has been out for sure (very sad, and clearly this is Dan's son or daughter because I have no desire to drink coffee).   

Spring is finally here and that makes me happy beyond belief.  I am also so excited to go visit the Cartwrights sometime in the next few weeks.  I miss them a lot!  I will try to check in again sooner rather than later.  :)

In Christ and with love,

Meg





20

20 years.

20 years is a long...yet very short time.  And 20 years ago today, my life was changed forever. 

It was February 5, 1994.  It was a beautiful, cold, sunny day.  The day my dad was hit by a train, pushed 100 yards down the train tracks and was air lifted to St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester.  The day he was given last rites, and we were told that they had to do surgery because of his brain injury or else he would die.  However, they also said he still could die even with the surgery.  By God's grace, he lived.

I think the wounds I suffered were almost as deep, just different.  Mine were emotional wounds.

I began these last 20 years dealing with depression, anxiety, fear and the need to control things for fear that something would happen like what happened to my dad again.  I stuffed all of these feelings and emotions though, I acted like I was fine and had it all together, when in reality I was a self-conscious, insecure, scared little girl.  I built a wall so high and impenetrable around my heart that I refused to let anyone in.  If I did, I was sure I would just lose them.

I was also afraid to fully let Jesus into my heart.  Oddly enough, I for some reason did not have a fear of the Holy Spirit. He and I were close, although I did not realize it was Him until years later.  It wasn't as though I didn't KNOW or love Jesus and Father God... I did.  I had known them and (attempted) to walk with them my whole life.  It was just letting Jesus in, to get at the deep, dark, dirty places of my heart that terrified me.  But when I hit rock bottom in January 2006, I knew that was where I had to go.  I began counseling, and began to get into God's Word, and His light began to illuminate the dark places I had kept locked and hidden.  Eight months after I began counseling, struggling with "what is wrong with me?!" the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to spiritual warfare, something I knew nothing about.  I was fascinated. And I began to study it.  I learned that in order to break off the attacks satan threw at our minds, I had to open my mouth and speak out scripture - the "sword of the spirit" (Ephesians 6:17).  One night when I was feeling an emotional attack from satan, I grabbed my Bible and began to read scripture out loud.  All at once, I felt the attack break, the peace of Christ wash over me and from that point forward, I believed and used that sword.  In January 2008 I recommitted my life to Christ.  I told Him that my life was His and He could do what He wanted with it.  I could also tell that many of the fear, anxiety, control and depression issues were beginning to break because of the power of Jesus and God's Word.

A little over 2 years after I began counseling, I was driving home from work on a Friday night, and got stopped at a stop light, right near train tracks.  I noticed the lights were flashing, as a train was coming down the tracks.  It blew its whistle a few times and then the light turned green and I went on my way.  All at once, I noticed I felt different.  What was different about that? I thought to myself. And then I realized that was the first time in 12 years that I hadn't been scared or wanted to get away when I saw a train.  Jesus had healed and delivered me. 

The last 6 years since I have moved home have been more healing and more redemption.  God has gotten deeper into my heart, and the walk I had with the Lord was close...so close.  I am a living witness to the proof that Jesus can break the chains of darkness that hold us down.  Those same things will still try to rear their ugly heads again, but I have the tools to fight them off.  I know Who is living inside of me and that "Greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world" ~1 John 4:4.

Then there is my dad.  I honestly do not think that God could have gifted us with anything greater.  Before his accident he was a humble, gentle, kind man.  Since then he has become even more so.  He has become so grateful for the gift of life, and I am grateful that he is still here.  My biggest regrets are the fact that I have not always dealt with this as gracefully as I would have liked to.  There were so many times I have not been patient with him, not taken time to love him and try to accept who he now is.  This grieves my heart.  As I sit here and write this, I feel the Lord talking to my heart, telling me the grace He has for me.  He is saying, Megan, you were YOUNG. You were in pain and scared...you dealt with it the best way you could...and I have now redeemed that.  You have another chance...take it now.  Lord, please help me, and forgive me.  I want to do better and to love well. 

Here are some pictures from the past...and more recently.

The first picture was taken about 7 months after my dad had the accident, on his birthday.  The second picture was in 1997. The last picture was a couple months ago at me and Dan's wedding.  The first picture hurts me to look at at times.  My dad was so strong in my eyes and to see him hurt so badly gives me this terrible ache in my heart.  The last picture is so special. After dad had the accident, one of the first things I wondered (even at such a young age) was, What if he wasn't there to walk me down the aisle?  Thank God he was.

The Lord has not been without His purposes in this all.  He has taken such good care of us, He proved His faithfulness to us.  Because of this, the Lord drew all of us closer to Him and sanctified each of us more and more in His grace.  He led me to the job I am blessed with - helping kids with disabilities - which I totally love.  He has used all of the healing that has taken place in my life as a powerful testimony to His grace and the healing power of Christ when He is allowed into our lives - that He longs to love and redeem us.  He took me to Canada where I got to share the love of Jesus with my friends in Sandy Bay and connect with a young lady there who actually lost her father to a train accident.  Plus, that is where He had me meet my husband.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for life today.  Grateful for the gift of Christ and His love, as well as the love of family.  Grateful for His provision and protection.  My dad does not take any medications, is not in any pain and is his same sweet self...even more so.  My mom and I always said we got "the best of the worst".  I will believe that for my whole life.  I love you dad.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Quietly Stubborn

Today I woke in a mood I don't wake up in very often.  I know this state of mind very well.  Despite the fact it only comes about every few months. 

I am not a very quiet person.  God just didn't make me that way.  I am bold. Outspoken. A chatterbox among chatterboxes.  But today? I awoke and I felt it.  The quiet, calm, fiesty stubborness that one rarely sees out of me.  The kind that is more often seen in my lovely friend Darlene.  I'm less...gentle than she is.  Typically a good way to think of me is like a bull in a china shop.  However, over the last 6 years, I have learned.  I have learned to communicate my thoughts and needs more gently.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is...today I feel different.

I awoke with this stubborness that no matter what, I am going to focus on Jesus.  No matter how anyone treats me or how I feel about things or if the sun shines or if it snows.  I am going to stand on the TRUTH and promises He has given me - that He will never fail or forsake me and that He is my strong tower and He will deliver me from all evil.  And I also decided that it is my perogative to piss. Satan. Off.  He's got nothing, anyway. 

So today, I will be quiet.  I will speak when I need to.  And I will only speak light and love. 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

I Want to Be Done.

Aaaannnnddd...are we done yet??? 

Right now, I just want to sit here and cry.  Story of my life the last MONTH. 

There are lots of reasons for the numerous tears...the Lord is working in my heart...I am anticipating getting married....yeah.

But in all honesty, I JUST WANT TO BE DONE.  But I can't be.  There is "too much to do". 

If anyone would like to see my list...it is about a mile long.  And when things get to be too much...I want to sit and cry.  I kinda shut down and refuse to do things, then get more cranky because I have so much to do.

I am overwhelmed....

*I want time with Jesus...just Jesus.  To just sit in His glorious presence and commune with Him...but then half the time I am so tired I can't muster up the energy, and the other half of the time the 8 million things I have to do whirl around in my head and I can't sit and just BE long enough...but oh how I crave and want time with Him.  More than anything!
 *I want to get so much stuff done for the wedding...I just want to plow through it all so it's DONE.  But some of it can't be done right now.
*I miss Dan so much it literally kills me half the time.  Distance = not fun.
*I worry about getting everything done.
*I am sick of all the expectations.
*I'm really glad I chose NOT to have any wedding showers...good gravy.  I couldn't imagine throwing that on top of everything else.
*I need a break from work.
*I have Christmas lights and decorations to put up...but honestly? Would it really matter if ONE YEAR I did not put my tree up?? In all honesty yeah, it would probably make me sad. I love traditions.  And I love Christmas lights. They are very soothing to me....so I probably really need that right now...
*Let's face it: I am just really looking forward to getting married.  Then you won't see me for like, 2 weeks.  Sorry people.
*Sleep is my best friend...one I feel will be less and less the closer we get to the wedding
*I can't lose anymore weight.  And let me tell you - this weight loss was NOT intentional!!  That is what stress does to me my friends.
*Christmas cards?? What's that??  Those will not happen this year...or else I really will have a breakdown.
*Did I mention that I have bills and a house to keep up??

Ok, I know. I am whining.  Honestly, I am very grateful, and I KNOW the Lord will help me through all of this.  I guess I just needed to get it out.  In all honesty, when I step back and look at everything, there are two things I want: Jesus and Dan.  I don't really care about much else right now. 

So yeah....I hope to write on here at least one or two more times before the wedding....but no guarantees.  I haven't been on here for quite some time as is.  This will all get done, and all be ok.  And then it will all just be a memory.  I'm just tired and need a break. 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

FALLing

All I could think to myself today was: YES. It smells like fall, it FEELS like fall...oh the joy. 

I LOVE fall.  I love every. single. thing. about fall.  The leaves. The smells. The pumpkins. Hay rides. Apple orchards. Sever's Corn Maze. Sweaters. Scarves. Jackets. Cool crispness.  Apple crisp. Pumpkin...well, pumpkin everything.  I love anything made out of pumpkin (except pie...weird I know).  The colors....ah fall.

I am sure we will have a few more warm days, but welcome friend.  I have missed you.  Good-bye September, welcome, October.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Messy

I feel as though I am a twisted up mess at times...

I want you to hold me close, then I want to push you away...

I want to talk to you all day long, and feel hurt when we don't get to have our time as I want...

I want to kiss you and say nothing at all, but at the same time, I fear that...

I hate that I am so emotional...so up and down...I wish I was not this way. Why did God make women like this??

There are times I want to just sit and cry (like yesterday)...and then other times, I am so happy I can't contain it. Then there are the times I am downright mean. Those are the times I really do not like.

There are times I get so mad...then I feel bad for getting mad.

There are times I question...then I realize I just know and have known, but I'm so scared...so scared of being hurt again so badly that I just want to retreat into my own little world...into my own shell. To run away to Africa and never come back...for some reason I always want to run away there. As if the pain I feel will not follow me there. But it will...it will just be different pain. The Lord is making me face my past pain.

Why can't we be together now? Why does it seem so far away?  But yet at the same time, coming so so fast...

I know I should feel fulfilled in what God does for me...but there are so many times I do not...where I really would prefer you to Him...as horrible as that is, because I should always prefer Him over anything...but there are times I long to be with you...just you...and then there are other times He is so present with me that He fills me to overflowing. And there are times He allows me to feel such intense pain that He has to remind me that He really is the source of it all, and the only thing I have - and that He is all we need. 

Sometimes I don't know up from down, left from right.  Sometimes I feel like a hampster on a wheel and can't stop my thoughts and feelings.  I don't like those times. I wish I knew what to do...how to make it stop forever.

Speaking of forever, I don't think forever is long enough...it's too short...but forever with Jesus and you...I could do that...

But right now...I'll just take Jesus...

In Christ,

Meg

100

In 100 days I get to marry my best friend.  Can I just say that I can't wait? 

A lot of days it's really challenging to be so far away.  I'm a major people person...especially with people I am really close with and love a lot, and he would be one of those people.  I am so looking forward to waking up next to him and sharing a devotion and praying and then going off into our days and getting to spend my evenings with him, too.  It will just be nice to be together. 

100 days.  Seems so.....far.....away......but at the same time, I know it will go fast as well.  I just hope and pray that during this time we can continue to grow in Christ, get to know each other better and the Lord as well, that our love for each other and others will increase and that we will glorify God.  100 days and our lives will change forever...in good and I'm sure challenging ways.  But I know without a doubt he is my best friend and the person I was made for.  I'm so incredibly blessed.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Restless

I'm not sure what's been with me lately, but I have been restless. 

The other night I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time - which in all honesty I still did go to bed at a reasonable time (10pm).  But I was hoping to go to bed sooner.  I got under my covers, closed my eyes and about 10 minutes later I was flipping the light on, searching for my Bible as I just could not settle myself down.  I was noticing the restlessness in my heart.

Once again, today, I am noticing that same restlessness.  Yesterday was more of the same.  It got a little bit better when I went outside to water, kicked off my flip flops and stood there barefoot.  I then went inside, got a blanket and went outside on the front lawn and just laid there.  Soaking in the feel of the earth, the smells of the outdoors, the sounds of the cicadas and birds...staring upward at the sky.  I felt more at peace.  I think I really do forget how much I need to be outside.  How much better I feel just being outdoors.  This is why I am hoping and praying my knee will get better and I can run again, because being outside....that's what grounds me.  (That and some time with Jesus.) :)

 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Slow and Grateful

For probably close to the last 10 years, my life has been nothing but insane.  Not that it wasn't insane before that, but once the summer of 2003 hit, my life really picked up speed.  And it has hardly slowed down since. 

Some of this insanity is self-inflicted.  I tend to be a people-pleaser, and thus over-schedule myself and then I melt down because I haven't had enough time to rest or enough time to just be with Jesus and recharge.  This summer I kinda hit my breaking point with all of that. 

As far as I am concerned, I can have this final "push" through insanity up until the wedding...but then I just want a break...for at least a year...please Lord?  I just want to rest in Christ. To be with my husband.  To not have to be involved in 1,000 things and not think about where the future is going or what's going to happen...I really do want to have a slow, grateful, restful honeymoon of a year...Lord willing of course...

I'm sick of rushing and hurrying and when I do get a day to myself instead of just enjoying the Lord and such I work work work to catch up on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. 

Until I moved back to Owatonna, I felt like a nomad.  All through college, grad school and the 3 years following grad school I basically lived out of a suitcase.  I hated it.  That is so not me to live like that.  I longed to be rooted, grounded, settled.  Moving back here has proved to be just what I needed...however, I found that I was still driving and traveling ALL. THE. TIME.  So I can't wait until that lifestyle is over. 

So...my goal after December 21 is a slower more grateful life.  Taking time for simple, little things.  Resting.  Praying more, worrying less. Time for photography, writing, hopefully running if my knee is better. Time to just spend with Dan.  Reading God's Word more and really soaking it in.  That's truly where my heart is.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

The Heart

Today I am struggling. 

Over the last 10 years, the Lord has changed me so much, that if you knew me then, you would probably hardly know me now.  He has freed me from things I didn't think would ever go away.  He has changed my heart attitude in regards to many things.  From big things to silly things.  For example, there are some secular songs and artists I can stand...but the majority of them I just can't.  Even being in the presence of that music for too long makes my skin crawl.  This has changed from the girl who used to go to bars (not all the time, mind you, but almost monthly), or night clubs.  Then that music never bothered me, but now I can't stand it.  Nor can I stand the bar atmosphere.  Again - not as though I went there a lot, but I just don't like it.  (Although now that I'm writing this...I could see a potential witnessing opportunity....hmmmmm. That's for another time though...)

Believe it or not, the Lord has also majorly broken me from a lot of materialism.  I used to put so much stock in the things I owned.  Now I appreciate, am thankful for and am content with the things I own.  For example, the fact that I have an I-phone.  I feel blessed that I have it.  It is not the central part of my life.  When I go out to dinner with someone, I don't stare at my phone more than them or anything.  But I do appreciate it.  And am thankful for it - as odd as that may sound.  Yes, I like to wear make up (probably always will) but I am no longer ashamed of going without make up.  In fact, I have started something I like to refer to as : "No make up Wednesday".  Every Wednesday I choose to not wear make up to remind myself that the heart is what matters.  I do enjoy clothes, and honestly (once again) I probably always will...I enjoy looking nice.  Not over the top, but nice.  But I don't spend a significant amount of my income on clothes anymore.  I also make sure to dress modestly.  Another major heart change.  Not that I ever dressed immodestly...but I guess now I make sure to really take care in what I wear, so as not to reveal too much of my body. 

All this being said, I am struggling.  Struggling with me.  Struggling with change.  Questioning if I really can walk the walk and talk the talk.  Unsure of anything, really.  I guess I don't know.  Ultimately Jesus is the only one Who knows.  I trust that He will light and guide my path.  Wherever that may be.  He will change my heart in the areas that need to be changed, when they need to be changed.  The Holy Spirit will convict me and prompt me to change and empower me to do so.  I have no doubt about that, as I have seen Him do it so many times.

But for now, I don't need to have all the answers.  I don't need to know everything.  I just need to continue to get to know Him.  If people can't tell I'm different right now, doing what I do, living the life I'm blessed to live because I'm a Christian, how would they tell I'm a Christian if I made drastic changes??  Because regardless of what the outside looks like, if the inside doesn't glow with the light of Christ, no one will see Him in me anyway.  Make up or no make up.  Living where I live now or a hut in Africa.  Drinking coffee or no coffee. Driving a BMW or a beater. (Just kidding - I'd never drive a BMW. I'm a Chevy girl all the way. Or one of those ancient VW vans...that'd be cool.)  The heart is what counts.  And as long as I have the right heart attitude, and am not making idols out of the things I enjoy, I believe that's what Jesus really wants.  So I'll continue to check my heart and check with Him.  And go from there. 

In Christ,

Meg

   

With You

When I am with you, I forget all my fears and worries.

When I am with you, everyone else disappears.

When I am with you, I am so happy I can hardly contain it.

When I am with you I smile a lot. Laugh a lot. Feel content a lot.

When I am with you I tickle you. You tell me not to, and I know you don't like it that I do that, but at the same time, you let me because you know it amuses me.  That shows me how you care.

When I am with you I act silly. Sillier than usual.

When I am with you I am real. The real, ungarded me. 

When I am with you, deep conversations are had.  Fluffy conversations are had.  Sad conversations are had.  Everything under the sun is discussed. 

When I am with you I sometimes get annoyed, frustrated, crabby...I don't mean to...I love you. More than anything (but Jesus).  But I'm human and I fail.  Please know I don't mean to hurt you...ever...at least not intentionally...

When I am with you I am free...in heart, mind, spirit...

When I am with you I see God's goodness...how He watched over you and I to bring us together in His own unique way...

When I am with you I feel loved. Cared for. Special. Honored. 

I love being with you.

Love,

Meg

Pathetically in Love.

So I'm pretty sure that right now, if you saw Dan and I together, you'd throw up in your mouth a little.

Yes.  We have become one of "those couples".  The ones who constantly hold hands.  Who can't stop smiling when they are together.  Who laugh a lot, and stand about 2 millimeters away from each other when standing in one place.  Who look at each other kinda "googley-eyed".  I think I'd make myself throw up if I stepped back and looked at us.  I always said I wasn't gonna be "one of those people".  Why is it that whenever I say I will never be a certain way, or do a certain thing I somehow end up doing it. 

In Junior High: "I'm never carrying a purse."  I now have like, 5 purses.  Also in Junior High: "I'm never wearing make-up or nail polish."  Yeah, I do those things.  In Grad School: "I'll never drink coffee."  I'm a total addict.  June 2012: "I'm not getting married."  May 2013: "I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!"  Ha.  Oh dear. 

So anyway, Dan and I are obnoxious, I'm sure.  And really, most times we've been together it has been like this.  We went through a rough 2 weeks before Oshkosh...I think satan was trying VERY hard to tear us apart.  But the Lord Jesus is SO FAITHFUL and He protected us.  And I believe made us stronger through this all. 

This man is my best friend.  He melts my heart.  Neither of us are perfect, but I am so excited to spend my life with him.  I have never had anyone (other than my parents) love me the way he does.  THANK YOU JESUS. 

I swear, I think other than Dan's parents, I didn't even notice all the people around us this weekend at Oshkosh.  I was too busy staring at my love. 

So yeah...go ahead.  Make fun. Tell me I'm ridiculous.  I'm fine with that. 

And BTW - it doesn't bother me the least bit...because I am ever so grateful for the gift the Lord gave me of this man in my life.  Forever I will be.  (Plus, look at him...he's just so cute...) :)

Love you Daniel,
Meg

Lately

Lately I have been obsessed with being outside as much as I can be.  Especially since it isn't too hot out right now - extra bonus!!  I do love summer, minus the major heat and humidity, so the fact that the cooler weather must have decided to follow me back home from Canada is awesome.  Having the whole summer off could have something to do with it as well. :) 

Today I was blessed big time by a conversation at the gym with a friend.  I then was blessed to be able to pray for someone who is battling cancer.  I was even more blessed to get to come home and enjoy an iced coffee on my deck while reading devotions and enjoying the sun.  Then I got to have some wonderful time with my family.  And then finished the day off by talking to my love.  Thank You Lord, for this blessed day. 

In Christ,
Meg