Quietly Stubborn

Today I woke in a mood I don't wake up in very often.  I know this state of mind very well.  Despite the fact it only comes about every few months. 

I am not a very quiet person.  God just didn't make me that way.  I am bold. Outspoken. A chatterbox among chatterboxes.  But today? I awoke and I felt it.  The quiet, calm, fiesty stubborness that one rarely sees out of me.  The kind that is more often seen in my lovely friend Darlene.  I'm less...gentle than she is.  Typically a good way to think of me is like a bull in a china shop.  However, over the last 6 years, I have learned.  I have learned to communicate my thoughts and needs more gently.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is...today I feel different.

I awoke with this stubborness that no matter what, I am going to focus on Jesus.  No matter how anyone treats me or how I feel about things or if the sun shines or if it snows.  I am going to stand on the TRUTH and promises He has given me - that He will never fail or forsake me and that He is my strong tower and He will deliver me from all evil.  And I also decided that it is my perogative to piss. Satan. Off.  He's got nothing, anyway. 

So today, I will be quiet.  I will speak when I need to.  And I will only speak light and love. 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

I Want to Be Done.

Aaaannnnddd...are we done yet??? 

Right now, I just want to sit here and cry.  Story of my life the last MONTH. 

There are lots of reasons for the numerous tears...the Lord is working in my heart...I am anticipating getting married....yeah.

But in all honesty, I JUST WANT TO BE DONE.  But I can't be.  There is "too much to do". 

If anyone would like to see my list...it is about a mile long.  And when things get to be too much...I want to sit and cry.  I kinda shut down and refuse to do things, then get more cranky because I have so much to do.

I am overwhelmed....

*I want time with Jesus...just Jesus.  To just sit in His glorious presence and commune with Him...but then half the time I am so tired I can't muster up the energy, and the other half of the time the 8 million things I have to do whirl around in my head and I can't sit and just BE long enough...but oh how I crave and want time with Him.  More than anything!
 *I want to get so much stuff done for the wedding...I just want to plow through it all so it's DONE.  But some of it can't be done right now.
*I miss Dan so much it literally kills me half the time.  Distance = not fun.
*I worry about getting everything done.
*I am sick of all the expectations.
*I'm really glad I chose NOT to have any wedding showers...good gravy.  I couldn't imagine throwing that on top of everything else.
*I need a break from work.
*I have Christmas lights and decorations to put up...but honestly? Would it really matter if ONE YEAR I did not put my tree up?? In all honesty yeah, it would probably make me sad. I love traditions.  And I love Christmas lights. They are very soothing to me....so I probably really need that right now...
*Let's face it: I am just really looking forward to getting married.  Then you won't see me for like, 2 weeks.  Sorry people.
*Sleep is my best friend...one I feel will be less and less the closer we get to the wedding
*I can't lose anymore weight.  And let me tell you - this weight loss was NOT intentional!!  That is what stress does to me my friends.
*Christmas cards?? What's that??  Those will not happen this year...or else I really will have a breakdown.
*Did I mention that I have bills and a house to keep up??

Ok, I know. I am whining.  Honestly, I am very grateful, and I KNOW the Lord will help me through all of this.  I guess I just needed to get it out.  In all honesty, when I step back and look at everything, there are two things I want: Jesus and Dan.  I don't really care about much else right now. 

So yeah....I hope to write on here at least one or two more times before the wedding....but no guarantees.  I haven't been on here for quite some time as is.  This will all get done, and all be ok.  And then it will all just be a memory.  I'm just tired and need a break. 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

FALLing

All I could think to myself today was: YES. It smells like fall, it FEELS like fall...oh the joy. 

I LOVE fall.  I love every. single. thing. about fall.  The leaves. The smells. The pumpkins. Hay rides. Apple orchards. Sever's Corn Maze. Sweaters. Scarves. Jackets. Cool crispness.  Apple crisp. Pumpkin...well, pumpkin everything.  I love anything made out of pumpkin (except pie...weird I know).  The colors....ah fall.

I am sure we will have a few more warm days, but welcome friend.  I have missed you.  Good-bye September, welcome, October.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Messy

I feel as though I am a twisted up mess at times...

I want you to hold me close, then I want to push you away...

I want to talk to you all day long, and feel hurt when we don't get to have our time as I want...

I want to kiss you and say nothing at all, but at the same time, I fear that...

I hate that I am so emotional...so up and down...I wish I was not this way. Why did God make women like this??

There are times I want to just sit and cry (like yesterday)...and then other times, I am so happy I can't contain it. Then there are the times I am downright mean. Those are the times I really do not like.

There are times I get so mad...then I feel bad for getting mad.

There are times I question...then I realize I just know and have known, but I'm so scared...so scared of being hurt again so badly that I just want to retreat into my own little world...into my own shell. To run away to Africa and never come back...for some reason I always want to run away there. As if the pain I feel will not follow me there. But it will...it will just be different pain. The Lord is making me face my past pain.

Why can't we be together now? Why does it seem so far away?  But yet at the same time, coming so so fast...

I know I should feel fulfilled in what God does for me...but there are so many times I do not...where I really would prefer you to Him...as horrible as that is, because I should always prefer Him over anything...but there are times I long to be with you...just you...and then there are other times He is so present with me that He fills me to overflowing. And there are times He allows me to feel such intense pain that He has to remind me that He really is the source of it all, and the only thing I have - and that He is all we need. 

Sometimes I don't know up from down, left from right.  Sometimes I feel like a hampster on a wheel and can't stop my thoughts and feelings.  I don't like those times. I wish I knew what to do...how to make it stop forever.

Speaking of forever, I don't think forever is long enough...it's too short...but forever with Jesus and you...I could do that...

But right now...I'll just take Jesus...

In Christ,

Meg

100

In 100 days I get to marry my best friend.  Can I just say that I can't wait? 

A lot of days it's really challenging to be so far away.  I'm a major people person...especially with people I am really close with and love a lot, and he would be one of those people.  I am so looking forward to waking up next to him and sharing a devotion and praying and then going off into our days and getting to spend my evenings with him, too.  It will just be nice to be together. 

100 days.  Seems so.....far.....away......but at the same time, I know it will go fast as well.  I just hope and pray that during this time we can continue to grow in Christ, get to know each other better and the Lord as well, that our love for each other and others will increase and that we will glorify God.  100 days and our lives will change forever...in good and I'm sure challenging ways.  But I know without a doubt he is my best friend and the person I was made for.  I'm so incredibly blessed.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Restless

I'm not sure what's been with me lately, but I have been restless. 

The other night I was going to go to bed at a reasonable time - which in all honesty I still did go to bed at a reasonable time (10pm).  But I was hoping to go to bed sooner.  I got under my covers, closed my eyes and about 10 minutes later I was flipping the light on, searching for my Bible as I just could not settle myself down.  I was noticing the restlessness in my heart.

Once again, today, I am noticing that same restlessness.  Yesterday was more of the same.  It got a little bit better when I went outside to water, kicked off my flip flops and stood there barefoot.  I then went inside, got a blanket and went outside on the front lawn and just laid there.  Soaking in the feel of the earth, the smells of the outdoors, the sounds of the cicadas and birds...staring upward at the sky.  I felt more at peace.  I think I really do forget how much I need to be outside.  How much better I feel just being outdoors.  This is why I am hoping and praying my knee will get better and I can run again, because being outside....that's what grounds me.  (That and some time with Jesus.) :)

 

In Christ and with love,

Meg

Slow and Grateful

For probably close to the last 10 years, my life has been nothing but insane.  Not that it wasn't insane before that, but once the summer of 2003 hit, my life really picked up speed.  And it has hardly slowed down since. 

Some of this insanity is self-inflicted.  I tend to be a people-pleaser, and thus over-schedule myself and then I melt down because I haven't had enough time to rest or enough time to just be with Jesus and recharge.  This summer I kinda hit my breaking point with all of that. 

As far as I am concerned, I can have this final "push" through insanity up until the wedding...but then I just want a break...for at least a year...please Lord?  I just want to rest in Christ. To be with my husband.  To not have to be involved in 1,000 things and not think about where the future is going or what's going to happen...I really do want to have a slow, grateful, restful honeymoon of a year...Lord willing of course...

I'm sick of rushing and hurrying and when I do get a day to myself instead of just enjoying the Lord and such I work work work to catch up on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. 

Until I moved back to Owatonna, I felt like a nomad.  All through college, grad school and the 3 years following grad school I basically lived out of a suitcase.  I hated it.  That is so not me to live like that.  I longed to be rooted, grounded, settled.  Moving back here has proved to be just what I needed...however, I found that I was still driving and traveling ALL. THE. TIME.  So I can't wait until that lifestyle is over. 

So...my goal after December 21 is a slower more grateful life.  Taking time for simple, little things.  Resting.  Praying more, worrying less. Time for photography, writing, hopefully running if my knee is better. Time to just spend with Dan.  Reading God's Word more and really soaking it in.  That's truly where my heart is.

In Christ and with love,

Meg

The Heart

Today I am struggling. 

Over the last 10 years, the Lord has changed me so much, that if you knew me then, you would probably hardly know me now.  He has freed me from things I didn't think would ever go away.  He has changed my heart attitude in regards to many things.  From big things to silly things.  For example, there are some secular songs and artists I can stand...but the majority of them I just can't.  Even being in the presence of that music for too long makes my skin crawl.  This has changed from the girl who used to go to bars (not all the time, mind you, but almost monthly), or night clubs.  Then that music never bothered me, but now I can't stand it.  Nor can I stand the bar atmosphere.  Again - not as though I went there a lot, but I just don't like it.  (Although now that I'm writing this...I could see a potential witnessing opportunity....hmmmmm. That's for another time though...)

Believe it or not, the Lord has also majorly broken me from a lot of materialism.  I used to put so much stock in the things I owned.  Now I appreciate, am thankful for and am content with the things I own.  For example, the fact that I have an I-phone.  I feel blessed that I have it.  It is not the central part of my life.  When I go out to dinner with someone, I don't stare at my phone more than them or anything.  But I do appreciate it.  And am thankful for it - as odd as that may sound.  Yes, I like to wear make up (probably always will) but I am no longer ashamed of going without make up.  In fact, I have started something I like to refer to as : "No make up Wednesday".  Every Wednesday I choose to not wear make up to remind myself that the heart is what matters.  I do enjoy clothes, and honestly (once again) I probably always will...I enjoy looking nice.  Not over the top, but nice.  But I don't spend a significant amount of my income on clothes anymore.  I also make sure to dress modestly.  Another major heart change.  Not that I ever dressed immodestly...but I guess now I make sure to really take care in what I wear, so as not to reveal too much of my body. 

All this being said, I am struggling.  Struggling with me.  Struggling with change.  Questioning if I really can walk the walk and talk the talk.  Unsure of anything, really.  I guess I don't know.  Ultimately Jesus is the only one Who knows.  I trust that He will light and guide my path.  Wherever that may be.  He will change my heart in the areas that need to be changed, when they need to be changed.  The Holy Spirit will convict me and prompt me to change and empower me to do so.  I have no doubt about that, as I have seen Him do it so many times.

But for now, I don't need to have all the answers.  I don't need to know everything.  I just need to continue to get to know Him.  If people can't tell I'm different right now, doing what I do, living the life I'm blessed to live because I'm a Christian, how would they tell I'm a Christian if I made drastic changes??  Because regardless of what the outside looks like, if the inside doesn't glow with the light of Christ, no one will see Him in me anyway.  Make up or no make up.  Living where I live now or a hut in Africa.  Drinking coffee or no coffee. Driving a BMW or a beater. (Just kidding - I'd never drive a BMW. I'm a Chevy girl all the way. Or one of those ancient VW vans...that'd be cool.)  The heart is what counts.  And as long as I have the right heart attitude, and am not making idols out of the things I enjoy, I believe that's what Jesus really wants.  So I'll continue to check my heart and check with Him.  And go from there. 

In Christ,

Meg

   

With You

When I am with you, I forget all my fears and worries.

When I am with you, everyone else disappears.

When I am with you, I am so happy I can hardly contain it.

When I am with you I smile a lot. Laugh a lot. Feel content a lot.

When I am with you I tickle you. You tell me not to, and I know you don't like it that I do that, but at the same time, you let me because you know it amuses me.  That shows me how you care.

When I am with you I act silly. Sillier than usual.

When I am with you I am real. The real, ungarded me. 

When I am with you, deep conversations are had.  Fluffy conversations are had.  Sad conversations are had.  Everything under the sun is discussed. 

When I am with you I sometimes get annoyed, frustrated, crabby...I don't mean to...I love you. More than anything (but Jesus).  But I'm human and I fail.  Please know I don't mean to hurt you...ever...at least not intentionally...

When I am with you I am free...in heart, mind, spirit...

When I am with you I see God's goodness...how He watched over you and I to bring us together in His own unique way...

When I am with you I feel loved. Cared for. Special. Honored. 

I love being with you.

Love,

Meg

Pathetically in Love.

So I'm pretty sure that right now, if you saw Dan and I together, you'd throw up in your mouth a little.

Yes.  We have become one of "those couples".  The ones who constantly hold hands.  Who can't stop smiling when they are together.  Who laugh a lot, and stand about 2 millimeters away from each other when standing in one place.  Who look at each other kinda "googley-eyed".  I think I'd make myself throw up if I stepped back and looked at us.  I always said I wasn't gonna be "one of those people".  Why is it that whenever I say I will never be a certain way, or do a certain thing I somehow end up doing it. 

In Junior High: "I'm never carrying a purse."  I now have like, 5 purses.  Also in Junior High: "I'm never wearing make-up or nail polish."  Yeah, I do those things.  In Grad School: "I'll never drink coffee."  I'm a total addict.  June 2012: "I'm not getting married."  May 2013: "I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!"  Ha.  Oh dear. 

So anyway, Dan and I are obnoxious, I'm sure.  And really, most times we've been together it has been like this.  We went through a rough 2 weeks before Oshkosh...I think satan was trying VERY hard to tear us apart.  But the Lord Jesus is SO FAITHFUL and He protected us.  And I believe made us stronger through this all. 

This man is my best friend.  He melts my heart.  Neither of us are perfect, but I am so excited to spend my life with him.  I have never had anyone (other than my parents) love me the way he does.  THANK YOU JESUS. 

I swear, I think other than Dan's parents, I didn't even notice all the people around us this weekend at Oshkosh.  I was too busy staring at my love. 

So yeah...go ahead.  Make fun. Tell me I'm ridiculous.  I'm fine with that. 

And BTW - it doesn't bother me the least bit...because I am ever so grateful for the gift the Lord gave me of this man in my life.  Forever I will be.  (Plus, look at him...he's just so cute...) :)

Love you Daniel,
Meg

Lately

Lately I have been obsessed with being outside as much as I can be.  Especially since it isn't too hot out right now - extra bonus!!  I do love summer, minus the major heat and humidity, so the fact that the cooler weather must have decided to follow me back home from Canada is awesome.  Having the whole summer off could have something to do with it as well. :) 

Today I was blessed big time by a conversation at the gym with a friend.  I then was blessed to be able to pray for someone who is battling cancer.  I was even more blessed to get to come home and enjoy an iced coffee on my deck while reading devotions and enjoying the sun.  Then I got to have some wonderful time with my family.  And then finished the day off by talking to my love.  Thank You Lord, for this blessed day. 

In Christ,
Meg

Sometimes You Have to Lose It to Find It.

Yeah, I had to change the blog again.  I wanted something more simple.  Not all the crazy colors or backgrounds all over the place.  Just more simple.  More ME.

These last few months have been great but also challenging at the same time.  I have been learning a lot about myself, some things I quite honestly would have been fine with never knowing, but alas, all the garbage must go to the dump at some point...and I guess I'd rather deal than not. 

There have even been some things I thought were gone that have once again reared their ugly head.  First off, being completely paralyzed by fear.  It pretty much ended up consuming just about every area of my life.  Secondly, not feeling good enough.  Feeling as though I was never good enough for anyone, nor could I do anything right.  This led to major people pleasing, which also fed the fear I was feeling.  You can see the vicious circle.  The lovely, "I'm sorry for being me" crap has also decided to make an appearance, wearing a big hat with feathers.  Kidding, that's my sarcasm.

All this to say that today I sorta flipped.  I guess you gotta lose it to find it. 

The Lord made it clear to me today that I do not need to be what everyone else thinks I need to be.  I need to be me.  The Megan he created.  The one who loves wildflowers and coffee.  Who truly wishes she could be barefoot at all times.  Who loves to get dirty, but then get cleaned up and look cute.  Who...if given the chance...would probably move to Maine or Vermont in some tiny little town and live the simplest, quietest life possible.  And eat lots of locally grown produce and meat.  I do not need the approval of others.  I just need Him and His approval.  These things are silly and I know this, but I like them.  And I won't apologize for it.

I may not be what the world thinks I should be, or act how the world thinks I should act, but the Lord is working on me.  I am a work in progress. He loves me.  There will always be flaws and imperfections and mistakes and cake that will be eaten when I just feel like eating cake, and there are probably all manner of silly things that I like and will always like, but all in all, the Lord has a plan and His plans are more so to make me more like Him and give me more of His heart.  So for now, get out the construction cones to put up around me, because yeah, I am a WORK IN PROGRESS.  Actually, maybe one of those barricades with the flashing light would be better....I've always wanted one of those...but that's a whole different story entirely...

I think the beautiful thing here, is that no one can really KNOW my heart but Jesus.  People think they know me or can try to know me, but no one really knows what is going on inside of me...in the depths of my heart. In the secret places.

So friends, take courage.  Sometimes, we just have to lose it to find it.  Sometimes we have to cry in the bowl of soup so the Lord can strengthen us to stand tall against the world the next day (yes, I have done that).  And sometimes things happen so we can regain what we have always had...we just had to have a friendly reminder.

In Christ,

Meg

Great Big God - Part 1

I'm sure by now it's not much of a secret anymore...God brought me someone special.

I have been very quiet about this. I think there must have been about 30 people on Facebook that were shocked when I posted some pictures about two months ago because they had no idea.  I'm sorry, but I have honestly felt all along like the Lord wanted me to be quiet about it all.  And so did I. 

But really, as far as this whole thing goes, I have to give all the credit to our great big God. Because He's really the only way this could have happened. 

A year ago I literally had given up.  I decided I didn't care anymore about finding someone and getting married, and not long after that decision, I got distracted by guys again.  About a month after that, when I got really hurt, I impulsively joined E-Harmony.  I say impulsively for several reasons: first of all, I had been on E-Harmony off and on for about 3 years.  This despite the fact that the Lord had FLAT OUT TOLD ME that I would not meet my husband on there. (I need to learn to trust Him more, because I kept trying to take this matter into my own hands).  Then I had decided that I maybe should try E-Harmony again (despite the fact I had "given up") and felt like the Lord told me to wait until after Canada.  Impulsiveness took over and I didn't listen.

We had a soccer team from LAMP join us last year during our week in Sandy Bay.  I had known this for months, but I really didn't think anything of it.  Then, the week that we were getting ready to go up there, we had a picnic at my coleader's house, and he said that the team that would be joining us was all guys.  Again, as quickly as I heard that it left me.  I didn't even think about it.

The day to leave for Canada had come, and I excidedly drove up to Terriann's house and as soon as I got there, I shut my phone off and was tempted to chuck it into the woods permanently as well, but instead just left it on TA's kitchen counter for the next 10 days.  YES!! FREEDOM!!  As we were traveling up there, I was riding in one of the cars, and was getting teased a bit, "Megan...maybe you'll meet someone from the soccer team!"  I blew that off, too.  "No," I said. I really was doubting it.  I mean come on.  Every single time I had ever gotten my hopes up about something like that, it had fallen through. 

We got to Pelican Narrows, and unpacked and then the soccer team showed up.  I was really just going into the week with the: "they are my brothers in Christ" attitude.  After a little bit, before dinner, we went into the gym to kick a soccer ball around.  I just happened to be wearing my Minnesota Hockey t-shirt that day.

"Minnesota hockey?!" one of them said, in a making fun of me tone. 

"Well which team do you like?!" I asked. Hey - no one makes fun of my Gophers!

"Only the best team ever - Michigan Tech!" he answered.  Oh please.  HAHA

But that was the start.  That was all it took.  I instantly felt comfortable with this guy named Dan, and honestly with all of them, and thus began one of the best weeks of my life.

I first of all went to Sandy Bay last year with open hands.  Before this I had always just sat there and looked at all the things I was NOT - rather than just letting Jesus use me how He wanted and just operating out of peace and trust in Him.  In 2012 I was not doing that.  I think part of it was that I was so excited to get out of the states and get up there where no one could get ahold of me that I was just operating in a different place than I ever had.  I was just letting the Holy Spirit lead, guide and direct me....quite often in regards to everything I was doing...most of the things I let Him guide me on I didn't even realize until I got back to the states...and some of it was months and months later...

So right away, I had an interesting feeling about this whole time in Sandy Bay.  Right away, I knew it wasn't 2 of the single guys who were possibilities, but then there was Eric and Dan...I thought they were both really nice guys but I wasn't sure which one of them it was...and I kept feeling that the Lord was telling me to have open hands and He would show me and I also kept seeing this vision of a beautiful red rose bud that slowly opened.  It was as though God was telling me that this is what love was - this is how love developed...slowly and beautifully...

I do not feel as though I necessarily paid any special attention to any of the guys on the team, I was coming at the whole thing with the attitude: "they are my brothers in Christ".  But Dan....there was something about him. 

I think I knew it after three particular events happened.  The first one was during one of our "Extreme Dishwashing Competitions".  The first day, Stefan was washing dishes and Dan was helping dry.  I started talking to them, and then decided that if I was going to stand there I may as well help. Then Eric came up and pretty soon, we all began "fighting" over the dishes.  At one point, Dan (the cheater!) grabbed my waist and moved me out of the way like I was just a feather.  I was so shocked he did that and then I also was shocked that I wasn't upset.  I really am very selective with who I let touch me, and the fact I let a guy I had known for 2 days grab my sides and move me and I didn't get upset about it spoke volumes to me.

The second one was when we sat up until midnight and talked.  I had asked him his testimony, and so then just the two of us sat in the kitchen and talked for about two and a half hours.  I just saw him in a different way at that point than I think I had (or anyone else had) all week.  There was just something about that time that the Lord did something in my heart towards him.  After we were done talking, we walked down the hall together and came to the split in the hallway where I would go to the girl's room and he to the boy's room.  He then walked with me to the door of the girl's room.  Small and "insignificant" I know, but it meant a lot to me.

The third one was something I will never forget.  At the end of the VBS on Thursday, all of us were in the hallways, trying to get the kids out and Dan said something to me, and I will never forget the intense feeling I felt when I looked at him.  I had to look away and was thinking to myself, Lord, what WAS that?! 

God had this all planned from the beginning....after all, He does know what He is doing....and I will explain the rest of the Great Big God story in another post...

In Christ and with love,

Meg

The Fluffy Post

This post is fluffy. 

I love shoes.  No joke.  Especially really cute, girly shoes...but preferrably the kind that don't kill your feet....so if they ARE cute and girly, they need to not give me blisters and I need to be able to walk farther than 50 yards in them without yelping in pain.  But yeah...that is totally a thing I love...

I also love Polaroid cameras.  Dan makes fun of me for this.  I know, I know people.  It's a POLAROID.  What is so special about a POLAROID Meg?!  Well gosh darnit, I just don't know.  But I love them.  Maybe it's the instant gratification.  Or the "vintage" feel.  Whatever it is, I don't know or care, because I do love the Pola.  It's my fav. 

Actually, I just love old cameras, ok?  They are so cool.  I'm a bit old fashioned, so that's probably why that is a love of mine. 

And then there's things that sparkle.  Oh my goodness.  I LOVE anything sparkly.  Earrings, jewlery, pens.....yeah.  No kidding. 

Coffee makes me happy.  Why?  Probably because it helps my brain start thinking in the morning.  But I just love it.  The blacker the better.  The stronger the better. 

So why am I writing this fluffy post??  I have no idea.  But I am.  Because sometimes I just feel like being fluffy and not serious and thinking about fun things rather than the stuff that can weigh us down in life.  And sometimes, that's what we need....fluff.  Sometimes, I just have to get out of my own head, my own worries and even away from the fluffiness and think about the heavenly city to come....hopefully soon..... Yes I know, this post is all over the place.  But that's where I am at tonight.

In Christ,

Meg

Faithfulness

This is where the rubber meets the road.  Where things get messy.  This is where you have to dig in deep, put on that armour and cling to Jesus and trust His way.  This is where you have to believe that He knows what is best, that He has a plan, and that His refining fire is just making your character sharper.  This is where He REALLY purifies your heart and tests you to see, Does she REALLY believe My promises?

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasing way." ~Psalm 139:23-24.

The Lord is faithful and He will not leave or forsake me.  I have seen His faithfulness again and again. 

We were made to praise Him...to worship Him...in all His glory in good and bad, in happy and sad...regardless of whether we are joyful or angry. 

"I will give You thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to You before the gods.
I will bow down toward Your holy temple
And give thanks to Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.
On the day I called, You answered me;
You made me bold with strength in my soul.

ll the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O Lord,
When they have heard the words of Your mouth.

And they will sing of the ways of the Lord,
For great is the glory of the Lord.
For though the Lord is exalted,
Yet He regards the lowly,
But the haughty He knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
The Lord will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands." ~Psalm 138

 

Thank You, My Jesus.  For everything.

 

 Love,

Meg

Thoughts on a Wedding

I used to have this idea in my mind as to what a wedding should be like.

Then I got all "wedding-ed out".  And my thoughts have changed... (and these are just my thoughts...my opinions....)

It's all about Christ. Not about the people getting married. After all, He brought you together, so it should be about Him.

1 Corinthians 13 is considered the typical wedding verse...I think 2 Thessalonians 3:3... or Philippians 2: 1-4...or Colossians 3:12-17...are far better...

Boquet and garter toss? No. Thank. You.

Can everyone please not look at me for too long, as I really do not want to be the center of attention.

The train on the wedding dress must go...or I'm gonna trip...but maybe I can endure it for the ceremony...

No dance, please.  No speeches either, please.  And for sure, NO WEDDING SHOWERS!!!!!!

Just simple, quiet, beautiful yet humble...focused on Jesus....that sounds great....

Or...

we could ELOPE...

In Christ,

Meg

 

'sigh'

The last couple of days have been rather rough...as I have gone back into the refiner's fire yet again.  I am noticing that some things I thought the Lord and I have conqured seem to be resurfacing.  Probably the biggest one is getting REALLY hurt by people really easily.  This was a major issue for me for a long long time, and after Jesus healed me from my dad's accident, I did not have much of a problem with this anymore.  But yeah, lately? It's been a problem.

I also have felt persecuted at times by some coworkers and also like a big, fat screw-up.  Both of these things have made me feel like I want to "hide". 

It is times like these though that once I am able to finally step back, take a break and look at things from God's perspective I see things more clearly. 

People are not out to get me.  Many of the times things happen because people themselves operate out of their own pain.  And on top of that, people have their own things they are dealing with, just as I have my own things I am dealing with. 

Speaking of persecution, Paul faced far greater persecution than I am, and he somehow managed to maintain his joy.  I am a major spiritual wimp at times.  Jesus help me.  And Jesus, help me to love others more deeply and see them how you do.

I just don't like it when I see things like this in myself.  I wish that really I could just always be joyful and rejoice always as scripture says.  How wimpy am I if I can't do that? 

I'm sorry for the downer post.  My heart is just down today.  I know it probably always seems I write when I'm sad....it's probably because that's how I process.  Not that I get sad very often, I really don't.  But this is just the reality of where I'm at today.  I'll try to be more positive, soon.

I guess I could leave with this positive side of things - the kids I work with that always fill my heart with joy...my little "Wiggles and Giggles" ....I love these two as if they were my own kids.  And I think they love me too.  I sorta wish we could all be like a combination of the two of them....so innocently sweet.  Alas, life is not this way.  But they make me smile each day.  I bump my knee on the table, say "ow!" and Wiggles asks, "You ok?"  They always want me to play Uno with them, and Giggles likes to drag me along if he's going somewhere unfamiliar.  So even in the rain, there's always a rainbow.

In Christ,

Meg

Thank You

As I sit in the warm sun...the golden rays reaching the deepest parts of my joints I feel alive. And refreshed.  In this moment...I can feel You Jesus. You have been there all along, always waiting for me...never leaving me...even when I ignore You as I often do.  I'm so deeply sorry.

This morning at church we had a moment to sit and listen to You.  This is what You said to me,

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
 “For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
 “Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
 “Do not fear, for I am with you;..."  ~Isaiah 43: 1-5

Thank You. Thank You for that reminder.  And thank You for loving me despite my fears, failures, crabbiness at times and my ignoring of You.  I am for sure not worthy of Your love. But I honestly think it just makes me love You more.  Because even the greatest treasure in the whole world could not possibly add up to or compare to You....and all You have done for me?  How you have changed me, shaped me, saved me, refined me, purified me....why would you chose ME??  Who am I??  I am sure not anyone of significance.  But thank You.  And may I never forget this...and never forget to tell people how incredible Your gift to us was....

Love,

Meg

Sinking Like Peter

Lord, I took my eyes off of you and Your provision...and I sank like a rock. Sank like Peter did when he tried to walk on water towards You. 

There is a reason that story is in the gospels...it's to teach us a lesson. To teach us what we need to do...KEEP FOCUSED ON JESUS.  I did not do this. And the second I stop doing this, the worry...the fear...the panic...the needing to be in control begin to creep in...and I sink...

Your Word also says to NOT WORRY.  I fail at this. I worry. I want to control and plan.  In this process of worry, control and planning...I hurt people. I hurt my best friend in the whole world.  And this was never my intention. 

His problem is throwing logic away...mine is clinging to logic...as I tend to be rather free-spirited and illogical....but when I throw too much logic in there that's when I take my eyes off Christ, focus too much on me and what I want and how I need to take care of myself...and God's Word says NOT TO DO THIS.  I lack trust...

But I don't know how.

So I fall.

Down
down
d
o
w
n.....

"“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,  yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!  Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’  For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:25-34

Lord help me not sink like a rock....help me keep my eyes on You and trust Your provision, grace, strength and timing...You've never failed before....

Tears

Lord, I need You to hold me close, for You are all I have...my heart aches within me for comfort from You...comfort only You can give...

Lord, You know I have delighted in You...although I feel like lately I have not...this world, these worries and cares...they try to take me away from you...

I long to be with You...to feel You closer than anything...to hide with You somewhere no one can find us...Lord...hear the cry of my heart....draw near to me please...I need You....

Of course I come to You when I'm totally on my knees...when I have nowhere else to go...why do I not do this all the time? Even when I'm on the mountain top? This is really the desire of my heart...that no matter where I am I come to You like this...

Jesus, take this all from me...I cannot climb this mountain on my own...I need Your grace...I need more and more of You...

As warm tears flow down my face, it is amazing how healing they are to me....how full of release they are...how incredibly ordained this moment is.... It is as if the floodgates of all I have been holding inside for the last two weeks has been openend, and I am feeling a release...I am feeling uplifted slowly.....and it doesn't want to stop...

Your beautiful Word says that, "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" ~Psalm 56:8.  I love this...you collect my tears Jesus? You record them in a book?! This is amazing...it shows me that You even take my pain and keep account of it...because You care that much for me....

What do You use my collected tears for? I'm sure I have at least 1,000 bottles full of tears You have collected (if not more)...I'm sure You use them for good since You are only good...maybe that's where the rain that falls on the earth comes from....from tears you've collected....but I'm just guessing...I really don't know...my simplicity and ridiculouness shines forth once again...

Thank You Jesus, for Your healing tears...

Love Always and Forever,
Meg

Sometimes....

Sometimes, I feel as though I write and sort-of gloss over things...maybe am not as real as I would like to be....I have made a decision: I want to be more raw...more real with what I write....not that what I wrote before wasn't real...but it was a realness that was not as raw....so I hope to be more real and raw...and hopefully it will not scare you....but what is the point of writing if you just hide things?  Try to hide trials and feelings and emotions?  Being real is the best way to be....so here goes!!

In Christ,

Meg

Refiner's Fire

I was hoping to write something grand and amazing here, but I just don't have it tonight. 

Right now, I am believing in God's sovereign hand in everything, but it is hard.  And He has placed me in His refiner's fire yet again.  This is a familiar place for me.  I know it well - and it is a place I do not love, but yet at the same time, I do cherish it.

As a refiner of gold and silver places those precious metals in intense heat to allow the impurities to rise to the surface and be skimmed off so that what is left is a beautiful, pure, glowing substance, so the Great Refiner - Father God - puts us in His own version of intense heat.  It's just that this intense heat comes in different forms...maybe it is a trial, or something you need to wait and be patient for...or maybe it's an illness or challenging situation that you need to be in (AKA: all those coworkers you love to deal with... just kidding!!)  But whatever it is, God uses His own version of "heat" to draw impurities out of us...

He does not want to leave us where He found us...He wants to make us more and more into His image and see His reflection in us as the refiner sees his reflection in the gold or silver he purifies.  He wants to draw out bad attitudes, negativity, crabbiness, flying off the handle if things don't go how we want or people don't act how we want...he puts us through His affliction to make us grow...and so that we have unshakable faith.  So we ultimately glorify Him...

A few years ago I kept hearing patient endurance.  "What in the world God...?" I muttered.  Well He was teaching  me patient endurance....and sometimes I still have to relearn the lesson...

I don't detest the refiner's fire as I once did...probably because I look back on all those afflictions He allowed me to go through (and walked with me each step of the way, might I add), and I also look at how I respond to things now 90% of the time and I can SEE how He has changed me for His glory...so I always know it will have a good result. 

Hope was also a theme with me tonight.  Jesus very plainly said to me, You don't have to trust others...but you do have to trust Me.  Point well taken my Lord....And I have no reason to not trust Him as He has been nothing but faithful and good to me.  Then I began to ponder Aaron Shust's song, "My Hope is in You."  In that song he does not say, "My hope is in my job" or "My hope is in my physical fitness" or "My hope is in my spouse".  No.  He says, "My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or storm."  Jesus calls us to have our hope in Him alone, as He alone can save, satisfy and fulfill us. 

Refiner's fire.  If it will bring me closer to You, Jesus, and make me more into Your image, I will gladly walk through the fire with you.  After all, when you go into the fire with Jesus, you don't come out smelling like smoke.

In Christ,

Meg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugD0i5Y3cw8

Free!

The Lord released me.  It only took about 2 weeks, and he released me.  He apparently did the work He needed to do in my heart in regards to the make-up thing, and He said to me on Monday, You can do what you want...if you want to wear it, I give you permission to...  Interestingly enough, I haven't worn it all week.  I just have gotten used to myself without it and am fine with not wearing it.  I've become comfortable in my own skin.  I think this needed to happen.  Heart changes are a good thing...especially if it brings our creator more glory!!! 

So what I will do for the rest of Lent remains to be determined...more than likely I still will not wear make-up 90% of the time so the Lord can continue to work on my heart...I continue to be excited for the journey......

In Christ,

Meg

Shock of the day.....

Something amazing happened today.  I finally came to the realization that I am not ugly without make up.  I am not saying this in a conceited way.  I'm not saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, because I honestly don't think that.  I'm just average.  But I was just surprised that I felt this way.  I had this strange feeling it would take the Lord almost the whole time of Lent to get me past this idea that without make-up, I am ugly.  So the fact that I felt that maybe I'm not ugly without it after only a week was rather surprising. 

A few years ago, every time I would look in the mirror, I would hear You are beautiful. or You are stunning.  I kind-of began to freak out.  Was this ME thinking this?! If that was me thinking that I don't want to think things like that!!  How conceited is that?!?  I didn't want to have some strange sense of security and act all pompous about something that is totally stupid.  I started asking the Lord about it, and that's when He showed me that it was Him saying that to me.  He was telling me what He thinks of me.  I just didn't believe it. 

Stripping myself of that false sense of security has actually been good for me so far.  It has made me get my security from Him.  Not from outward things. 

I probably will never see exactly what He sees in me, but that's ok.  I'm completely content with things right now.  More so than I ever thought I could be. 

In Christ,

Meg

 

Which Path??

As long as I live, I think there will always be one thing I never understand.  I will never understand how you can have such an amazing day, feeling full of the love of Jesus, walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, excited for what the Lord has for you, worship and praise Him at church...and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you want to hide.  You want everyone to leave you alone.  You want to move to the middle of nowhere Vermont and become a hermit.  I will never understand how this can happen so quickly.  Of all the things that Jesus has helped me overcome, this is one thing that I still struggle with.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's because I plain and simply do not like a lack of peace.  Maybe it's because I don't like dischord.  Or a lack of harmony.  All I know is, it somehow still seems to happen with me far more often than I would like.  It's that moment...that moment that I have to decide...do I bow down to the feelings and let them overtake me, or do I turn away, rejecting those things that I KNOW are not from the Lord and focus again on Him and let His joy fill me?  The only other thing I know is that it is my choice what I decide to do.  The Lord puts the choice before me, and from that point on, it's my choice. 

We can choose to love or to hate.  We can choose to forgive or hold a grudge.  We can choose to bow down to every feeling that comes our way, or we can choose to resist those feelings we know are not from God.  But it is ultimately our choice.  Our parents can't make us decide, friends can't, and the Lord Himself does not make us decide.  It's up to us.  Which path will you take?

I think I know what I'll choose.

In Christ,

Meg

Mush

I'm not really sure what the Holy Spirit did to me today, but it was clearly something. 

I'm mush.  Total mush.  He made my heart into one great big pile of mushiness, just as mushy and soft as melting snow.  He totally broke my heart for people once again.  All I wanted to do was sit in my chair and cry for an hour tonight over people.  Just cry and cry...

I still have had my ups and downs with the make up thing.  But it's slowly becoming less and less.  Today, all I could think was, "Can I just wear it tomorrow?! I don't want people to see me without it!"  But I won't do it.  I'll stick to what I feel I'm supposed to do.  However, as I said before, the Lord is making me focus more on OTHERS, and less on me.  To realize that Jesus ultimately thinks I'm beautiful and that a beautiful heart is far more valuable to Him.  I hope He totally breaks me of this feeling the need to wear it so people will think I'm beautiful.  I'd rather have people see a beautiful heart that Jesus changed...make up or not... 

I feel filled with this love that could only come from the Lord, and I am so grateful for that.  If that's all He accomplishes with this, that will be enough for me...

In Christ,

Meg

Day 2 Struggles

I can't do this. I thought to myself.  I looked in the mirror and the thoughts continued, Ugh! I look terrible! I am ugly!!  Yeah, yesterday was kinda tough.  Today was a little tough at first...but seeing how Jesus changed my heart and outlook over the day was quite amazing...

It's not that I COULDN'T do this...it was more like I didn't want to.  This has been particularly hard for me...and I'm only a few days into it.  This is even more difficult than the Lord asking me to give up coffee 4 years ago for Lent.  I thought that would kill me, but it didn't.  This won't either...I know it.  Truth be told though, I really didn't feel like listening to His request.  Which is probably why it took me three days into Lent to give in.  I was resistant.  Then I gave in, and rather begrudgingly decided to go forward with wearing no make up for the rest of Lent.  I did it with no joy, a bad attitude, and quite honestly, rather frustrated and upset about it.  I really did not want to do this.  I did not want people to see me without make up on.  AT. ALL.  In fact, earlier today, and yesterday, I thought to myself, How many more days until Lent is over?! I was almost even tempted to count the days until I could start to wear make up again.  What a great attitude I had.  The usually quick to obey Jesus me was nowhere to be found.  I sometimes think that I obey Him when it is convenient for me and sorry Jesus, this is just not convenient for me.  Try again Meg.  Obedience often does not mean convenience and quite often means sacrifice.

But then today, something rather interesting happened.  The Lord began to change my attitude.  He began to remove some of my selfishness and self-consciousness and focus on the people around me.  He slowly began to open my eyes to things around me.  He also gently spoke to my heart, telling me that a beautiful spirit was worth much more than a beautiful exterior.  This was only temporary that He was asking me to do this, and I needed a different attitude.  To really focus on having a tender, caring, beautiful heart before Him.  To focus more on OTHERS externally rather than how I look externally.  By the time I had gotten to the gym and I was working out, listening to music, I felt His presence so strongly I had such a sweet worship time with Him even among all the other things going on in there.

Today Bobbi commented on how I wasn't wearing any make up and I told her I gave it up for Lent and kind-of why.  I also shared with her how hard it was for me...she said to me, "Megan! You have a beautiful face!"  I just don't see that.  I say none of the things here to make myself sound awesome, because trust me, I'm not.  I'm just another broken, sinful person trying to find her way and serve a perfect, amazing God.  I'm just simply sharing my attitudes and how Jesus is working in me. 

I hope and pray that He will inspire you as well to have a beautiful inside.  The inside is far more important.  And I'll continue to share my struggles and successes with the Lord over Lent.  I think this is going to be awesome.

In Christ,

Meg

The Journey...

The Lord asked me to do something that is going to be a bit hard for me.  He asked me to not wear make up during Lent. 

Trust me, I know how this sounds.  It sounds really vain.  It is.  That's probably why He asked me to give it up.  To humble me.  I could use more humility, trust me. 

I started it this past weekend.  I didn't quit the make-up the first day of Lent, even though I could kind-of tell the Lord wanted me to do something like that.  I am ashamed to say I sort-of ignored it.  But as the first few days went on, I felt more and more that I needed to do this. 

I have had all sorts of interesting thoughts in my mind over the last few days.  At first, all I could do was sit there and think to myself, "oh my gosh, what are people thinking of me?" And other things like, "They are probably thinking that I'm not very pretty." Yes ladies and gentlemen, these are some thoughts I had.  No joke.  I was very self-conscious about it. 

Today, some of the kids have commented...one of them told me I looked tired. Ha! Another one told me I looked different. This should be a good experience for me. Especially because I think I tend to "hide" behind the make up. I honestly feel "naked" without it. Plus, it probably makes me look like I'm about 18. HAHA!!

So, I decided something...that will be the focus of my Lenten journey.  I will try to blog as often as I can about it, and be very real with it...and also try to focus on being beautiful on the inside...which is far more important.  "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." ~1 Peter 3:3-4.  I just want the Lord to grow more of His character in me and not care so much about external things...so here we go!!!

                                                                 No make-up!!!

In Christ,

Meg

What is Love?

There were many, many years I thought I knew what love was.  I was wrong.  I listened to what the world said love was, not what scripture said.  I was filled with all these expectations and ideas...believing magazines and movies...and I had all those expectations and ideas shattered.  In fact, after my first major relationship ended, I really didn't know what the heck love was...not what it looked like, felt like...nothing.  It had been so twisted in my mind that I wasn't sure which direction was up or which was down.  It has taken Jesus awhile to show me...not that I am an expert, because TRUST ME - I AM NOT.  I have much to learn...I think it is a life long process of learning what love is. 

Love is something so wonderful, but hurts so gosh darn much at the same time.  Love is that, "Wow, I had no idea this was going to be so difficult" feeling, mixed with, "We can take on the world!"  It's that "I miss him so much it hurts" feeling...which never really goes away.  I know that love is definitely much much more than a feeling.  It's mostly a choice.  After all, the person we love will often fail us, and we will fail them.  It's part of human nature.  But we choose to love someone.  Each and every day.  Be that a spouse, a family member, a friend...it's a choice.  Plus, it's also major sacrifice...it will definitely cost us something.  Time, money, ourselves...it will cost a lot.  It is also about serving.  Thinking about the other person, trying to serve them in whatever way is possible. 

I know I have openly professed my disdain for Valentine's Day before, but I think the part of Valentine's Day I dislike is what it has been made into.  I feel there are too many expectations, too much pressure put on people on this day.  A lot of it comes from the female side, too.  The flowers, the dinner out, the jewlery...all of these expectations put on men is just unecessary.  I know, I'm getting on a soap box here and probably coming across very opinionated, but I feel that love should be cherished, appreciated and celebrated each day, not just on Valentine's day.  I don't dislike the day or holiday itself, or what it represents.  I think love is a wonderful thing.  I like wearing pink or red, cheerily saying, "Happy Valentine's Day!" to people I see and eating a little dark chocolate.  It's the over-the-topness of it all that gets to me.

Scripture tells us:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." ~1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.

This is really what love is. This scripture is talking about more than just romantic love, the mushy-gushy feelings that you have when you first begin to fall in love with someone. It's a deeper kind of love...the kind that withstands anything - good and bad. This is the same kind of love found in Jesus. He demonstrated the ultimate love when He died for our sins on the cross.  He is the ultimate Valentine. 
So I hope that more than anything, on this Valentine's Day, you can get to know the ultimate love and Valentine...Jesus.  Because without Him, love would be meaningless.

"We love, because He first loved us." ~1 John 4:19

In Christ,

Meg

 

Our Plans, His Plans...

Today was kind-of rough.

Maybe a little better than yesterday, but still kind-of rough. 

The flu? Not part of my plan.  Staying home from work for probably 3 days? Also not part of my plan.  Saying stupid things to people? Not part of my plan.  I have learned that rarely in life do things go how we want them to or how we plan them to.

But yes, of course, there I went...saying dumb things.  And afterwards, I felt no end to the amount of guilt.  It was done though, and I couldn't take it back.  Why do I do things I don't want to do, and fail to do things I want to do?  Because I'm a sinful person who is only saved by the grace of Christ.  He makes everything new, and better in His way and time.  I trust that's what He will do here. 

In the meantime, I need to lean on Him more and be more careful about what I say.  I need more of Him, more of His grace, more of His Word...simplicity and quiet. 

19 years ago today, my entire world was changed.  My life over the last 19 years has not been at all what I had planned.  However, I have discovered that often times, the things I thought I wanted, and all the wonderful "plans" I had made were not what would have been best for me after all.  God's plans are better than ours.

So to my dad - who I have been blessed with over these last 19 years...I love you.  You are an example of how we should all live our lives...grateful, humble, loving others, being kind to others...man I hope I can be more like that.  Because there are so many times that I am not.  Thank you for all you have done for me, all you have taught me...I still have so much to learn...

In Christ,

Meg